A Men’s Aisle at Walmart
By Garland Davis
My sister, after reading my “Tips for the temporary Bachelor’, thinks that by discussing women’s lingerie stores that I was negligent in ignoring and not discussing stores that cater to men. She thinks I should expound on the subject of a store or at least an aisle in a department store devoted specifically to men. Before I do that let me note that men shop differently than women. Men know what they want and need and that is all they buy. Women love to browse through the entire inventory and discover other items they think they need. A retailer would go broke depending on men to browse and make impulse purchases. Just ain’t gonna happen.
My sister provided a list of suggested items she believes will appeal to men. Below each, I explain whether or not she is right and the reason why.
NOSE HAIR CLIPPERS
This item is not something that will appeal to the “Real Man.” The “Real Man” deals with nose hairs by ripping the suckers out with his fingers while picking his nose. The man with a mustache can just blend the hairs with the ‘stash’ thereby giving it a fuller appearance.
Another item that is not popular with the “Real Man.” The “Real Man” will not deprive himself of one of his greatest pleasures. The simple act of passing gas (farting) is pleasurable in so many ways. It provides a sense of relief from the pressures in his colon. The odor is pleasurable to him. The act of farting and the subsequent odor grosses his wife or girlfriend out. The smell attracts his best friend (his dog). It is most important in the rituals of male bonding while quaffing a few Bud Lights with his friends. This usually happens on Friday or Saturday evening in someone’s garage.
People say that Beano is good before flying because the air pressure changes cause bloating and gaseous discharges. Don’t worry about anyone hearing. Always try to seat yourself near the wing. The sound of the jet engines will cover the noise when you drop one. In the event of a strong smell, quickly look at the person across the aisle or in the seat behind you with a disgusted look on your face. This will shift the attention of the people in adjacent seats to him and away from you. This permits you the freedom to fart to your heart’s content throughout the flight, without anyone being the wiser.
UNIVERSAL REMOTE CONTROL
The remote control is a “no brainer.” This is, of course, an essential item in the Real Man’s inventory. The remote control keeps balance in a man’s life and permits him to pursue more than one field of study. He can watch a football game, basketball game, hockey game, and check-in on Two Broke Girls at the same time.
I just have a few complaints about the quality of remotes. I suggest that the makers add the following features to the devices:
- A utility belt to hold the unit or a holster that can be clipped to the waistband of a pair of Jockey briefs.
- A Surf button that will cause the TV to change channels each second until pushed again. This will preclude having to rapidly push the channel change button or to continually hold it down thereby eliminating pain and suffering by preventing possible trauma to the thumb.
- A feature that beeps when you yell, “Where’s the f**king remote.”
- A rechargeable remote that eliminates the next item on the list: Batteries for the remote.
- A feature that screeches, when the battery charge is low, to remind your wife to recharge it while you are napping.
NOTE: In the event, that your wife forgets to charge the remote, or the damn thing breaks down, remember, your wife and kids are available to change channels at your direction. This is for emergencies only and should only be used sparingly. See “Duct Tape” below for the reason. END NOTE
JUST FOR MEN HAIR COLOR AND ROGAINE
These two items should be on the aisle although their appeal is limited to the men who are not confident in their masculinity. These are usually the recently divorced or the approaching forty bachelors. The “Real Man” is confident in his masculinity. He lives in a “Trailer Hood” (thank you Toby Keith) and really doesn’t give a shIt what color his hair is, or how much of it there is. He is happy in his little piece of paradise. He gets a haircut every three or four months whether he needs it or not. Many men, when they start balding, resort to shaving their head. That works for black men, but most white guys can’t carry it off. They usually end up with a nickname of Chrome Dome or Cue Ball.
By all means! If you can’t fix it with duct tape, it can’t be fixed. They now have duct tape in all colors and patterns to match whatever surface you are repairing –A useful innovation in that if the tape is applied correctly it blends with the surface and eliminates your wife yelling,” When are you going to fix this?”
Duct Tape is an essential item and there should be a couple of rolls in every room of the house. Not only will the tape be at hand to make emergency repairs, it will promote peace and harmony. It prevents the “Real Man” from having to yell over the loud TV, “Where’d you put the fucking duct tape.” This is usually followed by his wife screeching, “Oh, you expect me to keep track of your shit.” And of course, your rejoinder, “I would know where it’s at, IF you didn’t move everything.” And it escalates from this point.
If everyone had a roll of duct tape, World Peace could probably be achieved.
PLAYBOY AND OTHER GIRLIE MAGAZINES
This is a horrid way to describe publications that contain some of the greatest works of Twenty-First Century philosophers (also Twentieth Century philosophers if you are a collector). I would also include magazines that deal with cars, boats, fishing, hunting, and sports. Another essential publication is Body Building and weight loss magazines to learn the proper way to diet and exercise because you are going to start a program to get back in shape. Next week.
BODY BUILDING EQUIPMENT AND WEIGHTS
Essential material for the fitness program that you are going to start next week.
BEER CAN CAPS
Anything to do with beer is a must item in the ideal men’s store. ‘Nuff said.
PANTS WITH WAISTBANDS HALF THE SIZE OF THE BEER BELLY
Men do not purchase underwear and pants to fit their present size. Men purchase for the size they will need after they start their diet and fitness program. Next week.
Only large-size condoms should be sold. There is no self-respecting male who will go to the female cashier at the checkout stand with anything other than the extra-large size. So there is no reason to sell smaller sizes.
Now you know!
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A native of North Carolina, Garland Davis has lived in Hawaii since 1987. He always had a penchant for writing but did not seriously pursue it until recently. He is a graduate of Hawaii Pacific University, where he majored in Business Management. Garland is a thirty-year Navy retiree and service-connected Disabled Veteran.