As the Asia Sailor Ages

As the Asia Sailor Ages…

By Garland Davis

1. Everything hurts and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work.

2. The gleam in his eyes is from the sun reflecting off his bifocals.

3. He awakens with the feeling that he pulled a night ion Magsaysay yet didn’t leave the house.

4. His little black book contains doctors’ contact info and a list of medications.

5. His kids who he knows about begin to look middle-aged.

6. He can no longer climb ladders and has to pay his grandkids to change light bulbs.l.

7. His mind says, “Hold my beer and watch.” His body says, “Fuck you, Dude.”

8. He looks forward to a dull evening.

9. His favorite TV shows are Re-runs of Victory at Sea, McHale’s Navy and, CPO Sharkey.

10. He turns out the lights for economical rather than romantic reasons.

11. He sits in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.

12. His knees buckle, but his belt won’t.

14. He’s 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, 95 strokes and 6 beers around the golf course.

15. His back goes out more than he does.

17. His Pacemaker makes the garage doors go up he sees a pretty girl.

18. The little old gray-haired lady he tried to help across the street is his wife.

19. He sinks his teeth into a steak, and they stay there.

20. There is too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.

21. He gets his exercise acting as a pallbearer for shipmates who have departed for Fiddlers Green.

22. He knows all the answers, but no one asks the questions any longer.

23. Whenever he falls asleep, people check his pulse to ensure he isn’t.dead.

24. He stops trying to sck in his gut regardless of who walks into the room.

25. He buys a compass for the dash of his car.

26. He is inordinately proud of his John Deere lawnmower.

27. His best friend is dating someone half his age…and is accused of Cougar hunting.

28. He doesn’t understand why the plumber doesn’t follow his advice on piping repairs.

29. His arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

30. He knows the lyrics and sings along with the elevator music.

31. He would rather go to work than take a sick day even when he is sick.

32. He is constantly pissed and talks about the price of gasoline.

33. He enjoys hearing about other people’s operations and describing his in detail..

34. He considers coffee one of the basic food groups and possibly the most important thing in life besides beer, whiskey, rum, other forms of alcohol, and pussy.

35. He doesn’t understand why he has to go for a dental check-up when he no longer has teeth.

36. He no longer thinks of speed limits as a challenge.

37. Neighbors borrow his tools, except for the lawnmower.

38. His shipmates call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”

39. He dreams of aircraft carriers, San Miguel, LBFM’s, prunes, and LBFM’s.

40. He answers questions with, “because I said so.”

41. He makes donations to Trump and cusses the Democrats.

42. The end of his tie doesn’t come anywhere near the top of his pants.

43. He takes a metal detector to the beach.

44. He wears black or white socks with sandals. Sometimes one of each.

45. He knows what the word “equity” means.

46. He can’t remember the last time he lay on the floor to watch TV but thinks it had something to do with gin.

47. He has more hair growing on and out of his ears than he does on his head.

48. He gets into heated arguments about the qualities of beer, Retirement Pay, Social Security, and Medicare.

49. He watches cable for the weather channel (sometimes referred to as “Old Folks MTV”).

50. He has a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.

51. He almost has a heart attack when his granddaughter asks, “Granpa, you want to see my pussy.” just before she displays her new kitten.

52. He can no longer drink as late as he once did, so he starts his drinking earlier in the day.

53. Waits anxiously for May when he can attend the Annual Asis Sailor Westpac’rs Reunion in Branson, Missouri, and reconnect with his shipmates.

54. Alone late at night with his final whiskey, he removes his glasses to see better or perhaps cry.

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Transporting Rum

Transporting Rum

By Ken Ritter

Was talking with Garland the other day, and we noted some of the shit the Military use to get away with, back in the days before drugs became such an issue, and how it seemed like there was always one asshole that would screw up a good thing…

I didn’t do much flying from foreign countries into US Bases, but in the 60’s, flying from one country to another outside the US, don’t ever remember seeing any Customs people, and I understand that even flying into US bases, Japan to Hawaii, Jamaica to the East Coast, etc, they were very lax in checking for contraband, and just tended to “Rubber Stamp” whatever paperwork you submitted… But as I said, there was always one asshole who would screw it up for everybody.

Three stories come to mind, only one of them I have direct knowledge of, but they were well known throughout the fleet…

The first is hearsay, but is well known… it involves flying rum from the Caribbean into Florida bases or even into Norfolk. At first it was just smuggling in a few bottles tax free, then it graduated to cases, and then some enterprising young Officer came up with an idea for creating more “booze space” by taking an old “drop tank”, cleaning it out and cutting a “door” for loading cases of Rum into the empty tank. For the non-aviation types, the term “Drop Tank” was used for a reason… Originally designed to provide extra fuel for extended range on small fighters, they were emptied first, then “dropped” to allow increased maneuverability in combat. Those of you who were lucky enough to be members of the “Tonkin Gulf Yacht Club” will well remember these, as the Gulf was damn near paved with old floating “drop tanks”…?

I’m sure the more astute of you have by now figured out… inevitably some “nugget” accidentally “dropped” one filled with cases of Rum… At that point, another enterprising Officer came up with the ultimate solution… They would thoroughly purge, clean and seal a thousand-gallon aircraft wing tip tank, thereby theoretically allowing for the smuggling of up to 1,000 gallons of rum per trip. This brilliant idea was put into practice, and it kept the Airedale community provided with an adequate supply of inexpensive Rum, plus decreased the number of trips necessary, thereby minimizing the chances of getting caught…

The officers would pool their money, and send a plane down whenever the Rum ran low, and everyone was now happy, except maybe for a few disgruntled Enlisted Men who provided the labor and expertise to make the scheme work, without being able to share in the benefits… but who cared about them…?

Then… one weekend an aircraft out of Norfolk flew south, loaded up with about 900 gallons of Rum and headed home. They had to stop at NAS Key West for refueling since with one “tip tank” full of Rum, they didn’t have enough fuel to make it all the way back to Norfolk.

In Key West, a young Airman on the Transit Line Crew proceeded to refuel the internal tanks, and then being either disgruntled at having his weekend interrupted, extremely conscientious, just plain dumb, or all of the above… he proceeds to TOP OFF THE TIP TANKS… Leaving the pilots to fly back to Norfolk with one tank containing about 900 gallons of Rum, and 50 or 60 gallons of Jet fuel…

As you can imagine, that took the import of inexpensive Rum back to square one, a few bottles each trip, as no one was willing to gamble their money on the possibility of some dumb Enlisted Man doing this again.

Since I’m sure most of you have a short attention span, in the interest of brevity, I’ll stop here and hold the other tales for a later date. So don’t go away, stay tuned to this network for more tales of derring-do and brilliant schemes thwarted by one disgruntled or very dumb individual…

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How I Met Jesus or I Get a New Toilet Brush

How I Met Jesus or I Get a New Toilet Brush

What happens when you drink 10 oz of Magnesium Citrate? I’m glad you asked…

12:05 pm: It’s time. You shotgun a 10 oz bottle like it’s a lukewarm PBR and you don’t want to be a pussy in front of your older brother’s friends.

It’s supposed to be grape flavored but it’s becoming quite clear that whoever led the Quality Assurance team that day has never actually tasted anything grape in their life. You are already regretting this decision.

12:06 pm: You deep throat a cupcake like you’ve been saving it for the apocalypse because let’s face it…that time is here. It’s going to turn to liquid form before it even clears your throat but you don’t care. All is right in the world at this moment. Hold on to that. You’re about to enter a very dark period in your life.

12:37 pm: First sign of life. The pressure is growing. You already have 5 lbs of impacted shit in your colon and you basically just drank the “safe for humans” version of Drano. You feel a poop coming on finally. You think it’s time. You’re wrong. You get a little snake turd as a teaser.

Take note…this is the last semi-solid thing you will see leaving your body for the next 24 hours.

12:57 pm: That little science experiment you got cooking is about to reach the boiling point. Your stomach is angry now. It hates you…you can feel it. You have exactly .3 seconds to make it to the nearest toilet but you can’t run… NEVER run! You pray to god there is enough elasticity in your butthole to keep the gates closed 5 more steps as you start to preemptively undo your pants to save valuable time. Almost there. 3…2…1…

12:58 pm: Sweet Mary, mother of God…is this real life? Your cheeks barely hit the seat and all hell breaks loose. The shit/ water mixture you’ve just created comes out with such force that it actually sprays the back of the toilet bowl at a 45-degree angle thus deflecting it in every direction but down.

Is that blood?

False alarm.

That’s just the remnants of a cherry pie you ate at Thanksgiving…when you were 5 years old. The smell is horrid…the sound is frightening. You try to clench what’s left of your asshole to soften the blow but it’s not working. The whole house just heard your liquid shit fart as it gurgled out of your ass.

1:06 pm- 8:30 pm: Everything’s a blur. You have shit out everything you have ever eaten since the day you were born, everything your ancestors have ever eaten since the early 1800s, and your asshole now feels as if you have a flaming hot Cheeto and the tears of a thousand Jalapeno seeds stuck in it.

You’re now curled up in the bathtub ugly crying because you have to remain within arm’s reach of the toilet at all times. You have the poop sweats.

You meet Jesus.

8:37 pm: Your family will never be able to unsee the things they’ve seen in the last 8 hours.

You’re broken.

Your asshole’s broken.

Your spirit’s broken.

Life as you know it will never be the same. But…tomorrow’s a new day. You’re going to wake up, throw on the only remaining pair of underwear you have that doesn’t have a shit stain on it, and you’re going to run up to Target with the last shred of dignity you have left…and buy yourself a new toilet brush. You’ve earned it.

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10 Things That All Navy Chiefs Should Know

10 Things That All Navy Chiefs should Know

Effectively running and fighting a warship relies on bridging the gap between officers and enlisted personnel. It was from this need that the creation of the rank of Chief Petty Officer was born. The Chief Petty Officer as it is recognized today was officially established 1 April 1893. Armed with official recognition, Chiefs of the past went on to lay the foundation for their modern day counterparts.

1. The earliest known use of the title “Chief” dates back to 1776 when Jacob Wasbie, a cook’s mate, was pronounced “Chief Cook” aboard USS Alfred. The title was largely informal and was used to denote him as the foremost cook aboard the ship.

2. Since 1797, only two ratings for Chiefs that have remained in continuous use are Boatswain’s Mate and Gunner’s Mate.

3. On 21 March 1917, Loretta Walsh became the first woman Navy Petty Officer to be promoted to Chief as a Yeoman.

4. The advent of a rocker device was the first distinction and was originally borrowed from the Master-at-Arms rating and became official in 1894. The foul anchor cap device was approved in 1905, and collar devices became official in 1959.

5. By 1941, all Chief Petty Officers were authorized to wear khaki working uniforms. ALNAV 16 dated 21 February 1941, authorized khaki working uniforms for all Chiefs and Officers serving on all ships and shore stations.

6. There are approximately 30,000+ Chief, Senior Chief and Master Chiefs in the Navy.

7. The Chief Petty Officer’s pay-grade of E-7 is equivalent to a Gunnery Sergeant in the US Marine Corps, Sergeant First Class in the US Army, and a Master Sergeant in the US Air Force.

8. US Navy Chief Petty Officers are afforded more responsibility than any other enlisted rank branch in the world.

9. More than 50 Chiefs have been awarded the Medal of Honor.

10. On average, Sailors advance to Chief Petty Officer in about 13 years of active duty.

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I Kill Myself

“I Kill Myself”

By

I recall a time when my steady girl came through the door with a knife held high. I grabbed her arm holding the knife and with my other hand grabbed her by the waist and flipped her over me onto the bed I was sitting on. She may have been small but she was strong! I managed to pry the knife from her hand and put her outside the door locking it behind her.

The following morning there was a knock at the door. I got up and answered it. It was my steady girl. She seemed fine. She asked me for some money saying she was hungry. I gave her some money and told her to bring me back something to eat also. She turned and left.

She did not return in the few minutes that I was expecting. After about 45 minutes I went outside my door and peered down into the courtyard. I was on the second-floor balcony. Shortly she came stumbling across the yard. This was abnormal since she did not drink. She came upstairs where I was. I asked her what was wrong. She replied that she had taken the money and bought Valiums.

I knew Valiums were real cheap and had no idea how many she might have taken. I spied a bottle of cooking oil on the floor. I picked it up, removed the cap and handed it to her instructing her to take a drink. She began chugging the bottle down. I attempted to grab the bottle from her spilling oil all over her and me both. She let out a yell, “I kill myself!” With that, she took a leap over the railing. I grabbed for her, but with the oil on her and my hands, she just slid right through. Finally, I managed to clamp my fingers around her ankles and stopped her fall. There she was dangling upside down over the rails.

My buddy had been there the night before and I did not know whether he had gone back to the ship or stayed the night, but I began calling for him at the top of my lungs. My girl was kicking and hollering, “I kill myself!”

It seemed like an eternity, but within moments my buddy appeared in the courtyard in nothing but his underwear. He looked up and exclaimed, “Damn, Bill. You’re gonna kill her!” “Get the hell up here fast. I can’t hold her much longer,” I yelled back. My buddy came running at full speed. We managed to haul my girl back across the rail. I carried her into the room and laid her on the bed and held her down as she cried and yelled.

After a while, she fell asleep and when she awoke a few hours later she was back to her old self.

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Rating Traits IV

Rating Traits IV

By Garland Davis

Cryptologic Technician (CT): The people in this rate are so segmented that they barely know each other. They are decided into the Maintenance group, the Interpretive group, Networks, Collection, and Technician. Don’t ask what they do. They are so secretive that they don’t know what each other does. Their lunch is classified as Top Secret. I know they work in out of the way places. Here in Hawaii, they are either in a tunnel, a base out in the pineapple fields or behind chain-link at Pearl.

I once lived in a section of Navy Housing where three of my neighbors were CTs. They spent their lives looking over their shoulders. It seemed as if every other week a dude from ONI would show up with a badge asking questions about one or another of them. I was having a beer with my next-door neighbor and told him jokingly, “The next time that guy from ONI comes around, I’ll tell him you get drunk and beat your dog.”

He said, “For heaven’s sake, don’t even fucking joke about that!”

 

Information Systems Technician (IT), Submariners add S (ITS): We once called these dudes Radiomen. Most of the old time Radiomen communicated by dots and dashes, Morse code and had to be dragged into the modern, more technical communications world.

The job description for IT’s: Information systems technicians design, install, operate, and maintain state-of-the-art information systems. This technology includes local and wide area networks, mainframe, mini and microcomputer systems and associated peripheral devices. They also write programs to handle the collection, manipulation and distribution of data for a wide variety of applications and requirements. They perform the functions of a computer system analyst, operate telecommunications systems including automated networks and the full spectrum of data links and circuits.

The Radiomen I knew back in the day would have had difficulty understanding that.

I could have become a Radioman. I didn’t tell the classifier in Boot Camp  that I could read code. I learned it as a teenager. I remember very little of Morse now. A is dit-dah and all the others are different. I do remember what an old RM used to say frequently in the chow line, “ Three dots, four dots, two dots, Dash. They serve it in the Navy and call it Hash.”

 

Legalman (LN): Legalmen are the Navy’s paralegals. They assist Staff Judge Advocates in the proper administration of military justice and administrative law, such as courts-martial, nonjudicial punishment, and administrative separation. They were once called Legal Yeomen and would either help a falsely accused sailor out. But, keep in mind they work for Legal Officers and will assist that officer in hanging your ass.

 

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