Simulating Daily Shipboard Routine
Every Monday morning completely disassemble and inspect the parts of your lawn mower. Note that you have accomplished this by initialing the PMS Schedule posted on the back of the kitchen door. If you initial that you had completed it when you didn’t do it, restrict yourself to the house for a month for “gun decking.”
Every six months disassemble, inspect, and verify all tolerances with the proper instruments. Reassemble your car engine using only a 12″ Crescent wrench, ball-peen hammer, and screwdriver. In keeping with aviation tool control requirements, inventory the contents of your toolbox to ensure you did not leave a micrometer in the engine.
Develop a PQS program to qualify all member of your family to operate all the appliances in your home (example: Qualified Dishwasher Operator, Qualified Blender Technician, Qualified Toaster Operator, etc.). These quals will also apply to their Enlisted Home Warfare Specialist (EHWS) Qualifications. Conduct weekly classes where you teach family members the electrical and plumbing diagrams for your house. These classes are best conducted after working hours.
Walk throughout your house and garage for four hours, check the tire pressure, oil level, and fuel level of your car every 15 minutes and keep an accurate log (record book) of the readings.
Invite your Grandfather over for Sunday Morning Brunch. At 2200 (10 pm) the previous night make your family paint the entire interior of the house in the event the Admiral wants to take a quick look around. Don your Sunday best and stand on your front porch waiting for the Admiral (Grandfather). Have Grandfather call, at the last minute, to say he can’t make it this morning.
Periodically run your household on an “eight on eight off” routine. Work 8 hours at your normal day job. Take care of your personal matters during the next 8 hours. On the next 8 hours off, have an 18 wheeler from a grocery distributor pull up in front of your house. Gather all your neighbors, form a human chain from the truck down to your basement (be sure to route it through the backyard to avoid “officer’s country”). Pass the entire contents of the truck hand-to-hand down to the basement. Turn your cap around and go on your regular work shift. Repeat the process the next eight off shift, but this time unload a truckload of high explosives. The next shift run hoses and transfer the contents of your neighbor’s heating fuel tank to your tank.
Remove the contents of a walk-in closet and replace with three desks. At the nearest Salvation Army Thrift Store salvage the oldest computer that you can find (make sure that at least two vowel keys stick) and set it on one of the desks. Take three of your “closest” friends into the closet and shut the door. Give everyone a five-page article to type and a 15-minute deadline. As one is typing, have the other two talk, tell jokes, and hit each other. As you type the last page, have someone unplug the computer (do not save the document). Attempt to retype the paper with people yelling, “Hurry up.” Repeat five times a day.
With the help of your two six-year old nephews and a partial 1976 manual, replace the starter in your 1987 car, working only from the top. Have your father-in-law remind you every 3 minutes that you have 15 minutes to finish because the car is needed for the next mission (trip).
Stand by the phone on the mid-watch (12 A.M. to 4 A.M.) with a log book, fire bell, and intrusion alarm panel within reach. Mount a gauge on the wall to read your house’s water pressure. Have your youngest child walk around with a tape measure to see if your house is flooding. He/she must check each room every hour and report back to you that all conditions are normal. With each report, phone a neighbor and tell him all conditions are normal at your house and report the water pressure. Have your child wake up your spouse (watch relief) a half hour before the end of your watch, so he/she is sure to be 15 minutes late relieving you. This ensures that you will get two solid hours of sleep before you face another day.
To simulate flight operations walk outside your house, preferably in dreary weather, and direct traffic on the street for 8 hours. If a break in traffic flow permits you a short rest, go in the house but don’t get into your bed – lie down in the hallway.
To simulate working in the pit install humidifiers throughout your house. Fill humidifiers with a half and half mixture of water and 90 weight gear oil. Remove the muffler from your lawn mower and bring it into the house. Run humidifiers and lawn mower constantly.
Disconnect your TV cable box and stare at the snow static for six hours. Report every 15 minutes to no one in particular, “Sonar holds no contacts.” Do not fall asleep. The following 6 hours disassemble your TV and rebuild using VCR operating instructions. Touch a live circuit thereby shocking you. Report back to watch and receive extra military instruction to hold safety training on the topic, “Why it is dangerous to be electrocuted.”
Go to a local bridge, stare at the water for twelve straight hours.
To simulate rough weather operations go to an amusement park, fill your stomach with coffee and funnel cake then ride a roller coaster non-stop.
Pick a six month period when your work and home life are at their busiest, get your neighbor to phone you at 2330 (11:30 pm), dress in the dark, and hang a brick on a string around your neck and stare at the backyard from your patio. Identify the whereabouts of all bats, crickets, moths and stray dogs by sound and sight, keep a written record of everything you see, and choke down at least one cup of four-day-old coffee (preferably black) every thirty minutes. Anytime a critter enters the yard, call your wife on the cell phone to apprise her of its movements. On snowy or foggy nights be sure to blow an air horn at regular intervals to warn the neighbors of your whereabouts.
Sit in front of your kitchen stove for six hours. Look at nothing but the stove. Maintain a log (record book) of the position of all the knobs. Have your kid randomly report to the kitchen “conditions normal” in the house. Have him randomly ask permission to turn on various appliances in the house. Grant him authorization to start half of them, and have him immediately report the condition of the each appliance.
Wash and wax all the cars on your block once a week in the rain to simulate washing aircraft. Have a 10-year-old neighbor kid QA (Quality check) the work and tell you all the places you missed.
Have your father-in-law (Squadron Maintenance Officer) set 20 unachievable goals on Monday morning with the promise that if they are achieved there will be liberty for the whole family on Sunday. Have the entire family work 18 hour days for the whole week while your father-in-law goes golfing. Achieve all the goals. Upon his return Saturday night have him announce one of the following on a rotating basis, Due to operational commitments: (1)The duty section (1/3 of the family) will have to work Sunday, or (2) Liberty is canceled. Do this for a couple of years and then reward your father-in-law with a promotion and a medal for superior operational readiness.
Purchase a beat up 30-year-old car (aircraft). Keep the following schedule to the letter and with accurate records of everything. Have three highly qualified people inspect the car before driving (preflight), then have 16 year old who just got his license and knows nothing about cars inspect it again. Have him drive the car as if it were a rented Corvette with full coverage insurance (flight ops). When he returns have him tell you everything his one month of vast experience tells him is wrong, using vague phrases. Have three people inspect it (Post-flight/Daily inspection) and the next morning even though the car has not moved have three people re-inspect it and repeat twice a day. Every third day replace the alternator before driving. Every 7, 14, 28 and 56 days, take one section apart and reassemble and every 128 days take entire car apart and reassemble.
3.20 When talking to your wife drop every third word in your sentence to simulate ship to shore voice communications.