Me and Y’all

I took a shipmate’s idea and totally fucked up Willie Nelson’s fine song Me and Paul. My apologies Willie.

Me and Y’all

By Garland Davis

It was rocking and rolling sailing

But I’m finally standing upright on the deck

After taking several readings

I’m surprised to find that my mind is a total wreck

 

I guess Subic was the roughest

But I know I have been drunk in them all

We received our education

In the ports of WestPac, me and Y’all

 

Almost busted in Pusan

But for reasons, I’d rather not disclose

But if you stay in a hotel there and leave

Take them with you if you want your clothes

 

And at the Landing in Yokosuka

They refused to let us board the boat at all

They said we were not in uniform

But I believe they like to pick on me and Y’all

 

It was rocking and rolling sailing

But I’m finally standing upright on the deck

After taking several readings

I’m surprised to find that my mind is a total wreck

 

I guess Subic was the roughest

But I know I have been drunk in them all

We received our education

In the ports of WestPac, me and Y’all

 

On a TAD trip to Singapore

We watched the parade on Bugis Street

The show was long and we’re just sitting there

They were pretty and sweet but from the wrong side

 

Well we drank a lot of whiskeys

So I don’t know what went on that night at all

But I do believe they may have kissed us

I guess Singapore ain’t made for me and Y’all

 

It was rocking and rolling sailing

But I’m finally standing upright on the deck

After taking several readings

I’m surprised to find that my mind is a total wreck

 

I guess Subic was the roughest

But I know I have been drunk in them all

We received our education

In the ports of WestPac, me and Y’all

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Magnesium Citrate

Magnesium Citrate

Written by Mike Dahlhauser.

What happens when you drink 10 oz of Magnesium Citrate? I’m glad you asked…

12:05 pm: It’s time. You shotgun a 10 oz bottle like it’s a lukewarm PBR and you don’t want to be a coward in front of your older brother’s friends. It’s supposed to be grape flavored but it’s becoming quite clear that whoever led the R&D team that day has never actually tasted anything grape in their life. You are already regretting this decision.

12:06 pm: You deep throat a cupcake like you’ve been saving it for the apocalypse because let’s face it…that time is here. It’s going to turn to liquid form before it even clears your throat but you don’t care. All is right in the world at this moment. Hold on to that. You’re about to enter a very dark period in your life.

12:37 pm: First sign of life. The pressure is growing. You already have 5 lbs of crap in your colon and you basically just drank the “safe for humans” version of Drano. You feel a poop coming on finally. You think it’s time. You’re wrong. You get a little snake turd as a teaser. Take note…this is the last semi-solid thing you will see leaving your body for the next 24 hours.

12:57 pm: That little science experiment you got cooking is about to reach it’s reaached the boiling point. Your stomach is angry now. It hates you…you can feel it. You have exactly .3 seconds to make it to the nearest toilet but you can’t run… NEVER run! You pray to god there is enough elasticity in your butthole to keep the gates closed 5 more steps as you start to preemptively undo your pants to save valuable time. Almost there. 3…2…1…

12:58 pm: Sweet Mary, mother of God…is this real life? Your cheeks barely hit the seat and all hell breaks loose. The crap/water mixture you’ve just created comes out with such force that it actually sprays the back of the toilet bowl at a 45-degree angle thus deflecting it in every direction but down. Is that blood? False alarm. That’s just the remnants of a cherry pie you ate at Thanksgiving…when you were 5. The smell is horrid…the sound is frightening. You try to clench what’s left of your butthole to soften the blow but it’s not working. The whole house just heard your liquid shart as it gurgled out of your ass.

1:06 pm- 8:30 pm: Everything’s a blur. You have shit out everything you have ever eaten since the day you were born, everything your ancestors have ever eaten since the early 1800s, and your butthole now feels like you have a flaming hot Cheeto and the tears of a thousand Jalapeno seeds stuck in it. You’re now curled up in the bathtub ugly crying because you have to remain within arm’s reach of the toilet at all times. You have the poop sweats. You meet Jesus.

8:37 pm: Your family will never be able to unsee the things they’ve seen in the last 8 hours. You’re broken. Your butthole’s broken. Your spirit’s broken. Life as you know it will never be the same. But…tomorrow’s a new day. You’re going to wake up, throw on the only remaining pair of underwear you have that doesn’t have a shit stain on it, and you’re going to run up to Target with the last shred of dignity you have left…and buy yourself a new toilet brush. You’ve earned it.

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WOW!

WOW!

By Joseph Werner

Things that run through my mind… Proceed with caution or stop reading now.

I joined the Navy in 1975. After training, I was stationed in Hawaii and then deployed to Asia. As an 18-year-old, I loved to wander the streets and towns of Asia. My home port soon became Yokosuka Japan. What an adventure for an 18-year-old. I quickly found out there was some really cool stuff outside NY. I stayed in Asia until 1986, often visiting places like Hong Kong, Taiwan, Korea, Philippines, Singapore, Malaysia, Ceylon, Iran, Oman, UAE, and once in a while, sailing over to Africa.

After the Navy sent me back to the States, I sought out commands that would deploy me back to Asia. I only did one tour in Europe – stationed in Iceland; the good thing about this was I could visit other countries easily. I was able to see Germany, England, Spain, and Norway.

Once I retired from the Navy, my love of travel did not go away. Just luck I married a woman who loves to travel. The difference is now, it costs money. Beth and I seek ways to travel. Always in search of those WOW moments.

The metric I use to grade places visited is whether I look at something and say WOW! This has happened only a few times. My first day in Japan, first trip to Taiwan, the Philippines, Hong Kong, first time I saw a redwood tree (it was at this point when I realized God is true and good, and religion is nothing more than man’s commentary), Yosemite Valley, Kilgobinet Ireland – the church parish of my Irish ancestors, having breakfast on the roof of our hotel in Venice, Italy – the view was surreal, first trip to a Navy reunion in Branson, MO, looking around the room and saying these guys walked in many of the same places I did. I wonder if they also said holy shit WOW.

These trips are much better with great food, outstanding beer, whiskey blessed by God, and my partner, my beautiful wife, Beth Kallman Werner.

My bucket list is long and still growing.

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Theodore Roosevelt, The Rest of the Story

Theodore Roosevelt, The Rest of the Story

Theodore Roosevelt was an American statesman, politician, conservationist, naturalist, and writer who served as the 26th president of the United States from 1901 to 1909. Before becoming President, he was the Assistant Secretary of the Navy. He resigned in 1898 to organize the Rough Riders, the first voluntary cavalry in the Spanish-American War. The U.S. was fighting against Spain over Spain’s colonial policies with Cuba. He is known for sending the Great White Fleet around the world to display American sea power.

The story doesn’t end here. Flash forward to June 1944 and the Normandy landings.

Brigadier General, Theodore Roosevelt Jr. the son of President “Teddy” Roosevelt, was the oldest man to hit the beach on the D-day invasion. He was also the highest ranking person to directly participate in the beach landing invasion.

He was supposed to be with the other command staff in England. Gen. Roosevelt knew the importance of the mission, he knew much of the invasion force were new, untried soldiers who had never seen combat. His requests to join his men were repeatedly denied, but he persisted, even when his superiors told him he faced near certain death.

He was granted permission after explaining how his presence would inspire confidence in the invasion plan. The Commander of the Allied Forces, General Eisenhower wrote Roosevelt’s eulogy before the invasion.

On the morning of the attack, as he requested, Gen. Roosevelt was in one of the lead landing craft. He led his men across the beach to a rally point under heavy fire. Being pinned down, it appeared they were going to be wiped out. Roosevelt took charge and led a move over the sea wall.

At that time, he realized other troops were trapped back on the beach, and cut off. He returned to the beach and led these men to join the attacking force. He repeated this action several times, under heavy fire.

For these actions, he received the Congressional Medal of Honor. The official citation is below:

“For gallantry and intrepidity at the risk of his life above and beyond the call of duty on 6 June 1944, in France. After 2 verbal requests to accompany the leading assault elements in the Normandy invasion had been denied, Brig. Gen. Roosevelt’s written request for this mission was approved and he landed with the first wave of the forces assaulting the enemy-held beaches. He repeatedly led groups from the beach, over the seawall and established them inland. His valor, courage, and presence in the very front of the attack and his complete unconcern at being under heavy fire inspired the troops to heights of enthusiasm and self-sacrifice. Although the enemy had the beach under constant direct fire, Brig. Gen. Roosevelt moved from one locality to another, rallying men around him, directed and personally led them against the enemy. Under his seasoned, precise, calm, and unfaltering leadership, assault troops reduced beach strong points and rapidly moved inland with minimum casualties. He thus contributed substantially to the successful establishment of the beachhead in France.”

What the citation does not say, is that Gen. Roosevelt was a combat veteran of WWI, where he was disabled by being shot through the knee. He required a cane to walk due to his injury. Gen. Roosevelt was 56 years old at the time of the invasion. He literally stormed the beach at Normandy with a cane in one hand and a pistol in the other!

When the beach was secured, later that day, command staff began to arrive. They were met on the beach by Gen. Roosevelt who gave a full report on the invasion operation.

Six days later, Roosevelt died of a heart attack. He is buried in France. He has been called “the toughest man on the longest day.”

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Curse of the Japanese Watch

Curse of the Japanese Watch

Michael McGrorty

I spent about a year homeported in Yokosuka, Japan, a base the Japanese graciously presented to us as a goodwill token after the misunderstandings of 1941-45. I understood this before I came to the Navy, courtesy of an uncle who had experienced difficulty owing to the Japanese habit of killing American sailors with suicide aircraft. For some reason he held a grudge, probably due to the five or so years he spent in the hospital trying to get his scorched lungs to function.

Uncle Bill did not use terms of courtesy to describe the Japanese. Nor did any of the men on my block who had fought against them. Three decades after the official end of hostilities I found myself in their country. I had no animus toward either the Japanese or their Navy, but it was interesting to deal with them.

Their sailors never looked us in the eye, and their officers were even more distant. I imagine it would be the same if they had taken over 32nd Street in San Diego and given us the lousy berths. Despite the passage of time, one felt he was really in a conquered land.

Not long after my ship’s arrival, I went to the exchange and saw the wonderful merchandise available for sale. Any sailor who’s been there recalls the audio equipment and other stuff. But my eye fixed on the wristwatches. I’d never owned a watch and I needed one. That’s what I told myself, anyhow. Eventually, I made a bargain with my conscience: I’d buy myself a watch if I could also get one for my brother if only to prove that it wasn’t just about me.

So, I got him one of those complicated diver chronographs with all the little dials and stuff, and a plain day/date model for myself, deep blue, with a thick, flat crystal. His I mailed home and mine I just stuck on, but not before having to take out numerous links so it would fit my skinny wrist.

My brother was actually grateful for his gift, and I was happy with mine. My uncle heard about it and said that he’d never accept anything made by the [fill in racist terms here]. I had my watch a few weeks and then one day I swung my arm against a doorway and the crystal cracked. I had it fixed, and cracked it again, this time against a fireplug in a passageway. When that was fixed, I made sure to keep my arms out of trouble, but then the rope of a heavy mailbag caught on the bracelet and snapped it. I put the watch in my locker and left it alone for months.

Meanwhile back home, my brother went around displaying his diver’s watch to anybody who’d look. One night he was drinking at a bar called the Prairie Wagon, a country western dump a block from our home. Two guys came in with guns and robbed him of his wallet, money, and the watch. A few days later the robbers tried the same trick at another place and were shot dead.

Flash forward a few years. I’m a civilian now, working at a 7-11 store. Two guys come in the door and hold us up. A month later it happens again. I decide to quit working at 7-11 stores for my health. Not long after this I was drinking myself into a mild stupor at the Prairie Wagon when (wait for it) two guys burst in through the back door to demand everybody’s money. They were so inept that they failed to collect mine, but one customer resisted and was shot, and then beaten pretty badly by the robbers with pool sticks. It was a rather ugly evening.

What did all these events have in common? I was wearing that damned blue Seiko watch. This occurred to me, as well as that I should perhaps not patronize the Prairie Wagon any more. I tossed the watch into my took kit and forgot about it.

About a year later I was out in the desert, shooting at targets with some friends, one of whom asked to borrow a screwdriver, which was of course in my tool box. While searching for it, he found the Seiko, and asked why I’d put such a nice watch in a grimy box. I gave him its history and he laughed. I offered to give him the watch, and he accepted, but I added one caveat: he could have the watch if I took a shot at it and missed.

I set the watch up on a stick at about 25 yards, with the face toward me. I said “One shot. I miss, it’s yours.”

I am a terrible pistol shot who suffers from the usual tendency to pull to the right, so I lifted the Smith and Wesson .357, held it about six inches left, and gently crushed the trigger. The watch disappeared. I found the case shot clean through and the innards blown to timepiece heaven. That was it for the blue Seiko.

I could say that I’ve never been robbed since that day, except by an ex-wife, and that’s true enough. Nowadays all my watches come from China or the Philippines. I had the chance to pick up a German one a few years back but didn’t want to tempt fate.

The ex-wife? I got her a Seiko the same time I got the other two. She was mad because it didn’t have any diamonds.

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Nuclear Submersible Aircraft Carriers – USS Permit and USS Halibut

theleansubmariner

In the time before Polaris

Quick disclaimer: I am sure that the purists will be jumping up and down in their retractable arm chairs yelling at Mister Mac for misrepresenting the article and contents. But if you stick with the story long enough you will discover two things:  It was someone in BUSHIPS in 1958 that used the phrase submersible aircraft carrier in reference to the USS Permit SSGN 594, and I served on the Halibut so I know the difference between an aircraft carrier and a Regulus carrying submarine…

I am absolutely convinced that the planners in the Pentagon must have been reading a lot of science fiction magazines as they looked at the future of the fleet in the 1950’s.

Every once in a while a small story comes to my attention that makes me very sure that may have been partially the case.

In the late 1950’s…

View original post 2,115 more words

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Maraschino Cherries

Maraschino Cherries

BY Reno Ol Sun

I wonder if the Brits are all hung up in this PC bullcrap?? they are steeped in tradition in their military as well as their pomp and circumstance… with that in mind, how many have ever played the time-honored game of Sing, Sing or Show Your Ring with the Brits… did that the first time in Hong Kong, many moons ago… and in 67, we did some recon off of Vietnam (USS Razorback SS-394), and operated with Spinax (SS489) (my first submarine) as we proceeded down to Singapore.

The Brit submariners club was one helluva liberty call.. I used to get a pint of 180 proof to clean the contacts and stuff on my gear in Radio… I used about a thimble full since I am conservative. So, being creative, we used to get a jar or two of maraschino cherries– empty out that nasty, sugary liquid, poke a hole or two in each cherry and put the rest of the alcohol to better use… of flavoring the cherries… if you had a couple of them bad bad boys, you could hardly hit yourself in the ass with a banjo… I took a bottle of them to the submariners club in Singapore..

A Brit warrant got all pissy about sailors eating cherries.. until he had a couple.. when it was his turn, he jumped up on the table and he was at least 3 sheets in the wind.. and was jumping up and down, arms thrashing around.. until he got whacked by an overhead fan… blood was running down his arm.. he took out his handkerchief, put it on the wound, finished his story.. jumped off the table- came over to me and said something like: Damnit mate, think that deserves another cherry or so dontcha think?

We had gotten some toothpicks.. and I gave him two, he sat down and chewed them slowly… what a great day… they had Tiger 33 beer- not one soul liked the taste of it… so the barkeep would fill the pint about 3/4 of the way with the draft, then add gin to kill the taste of the beer… let me tell you, after a few of them, DO NOT go off of the 3-meter board in uniform.. you could almost drown trying breath water… I know cuz I tried it… sigh…

Next day, we were to go to the fantail of HMS Forth (sub tender) to have pix taken… I showed up about an hour and a half late… wasn’t sure I was ever gonna walk again…

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