They Say Exercise Helps

They Say Exercise Helps

By: Garland Davis

♫“I ain’t as good as I once was, But I’m as good once as I ever was.”♫…Toby Keith

I tell you, getting old is a bitch. But it is preferable to the only other choice.

Things ache that you never knew you had.

Backache. Tried physical therapy, massage, muscle relaxers, pain pills. Finally just ignore it. Let the son of a bitch ache. They say you should exercise.

Enlarged prostate. Got to piss every two hours and don’t even have to drink beer. When I drink beer, I can probably get that down to every five minutes or so. They say exercise helps.

High blood pressure. Cut down on sodium, watch your diet and take pills. Here again, exercise is prescribed.

Parkinson’s disease. The shakes, muscles don’t do the things you want. Difficult to walk, feels like you are walking in water. Easily lose balance, sometimes reel around like you are drunk. Alcohol not recommended, it hastens the progression of the affliction. Parkinson’s sufferers sometimes fall down, if you drink, you fall harder. More pills. Incurable, you are going to live with it and probably die from it. Exercise again.

I wasn’t sure of obesity or just overweight. So I did some research. If you are a male, you are considered at a healthy weight if your Body Mass Index (BMI) is at twenty-five or below. There is such a thing as too low BMI, but no need to discuss that with beer-swilling sailors. Persons with a BMI of thirty or higher are considered obese. So those of us who fall in the area between twenty-five and thirty are just overweight. I calculated my BMI. I came in at 29.9. To get to a BMI of 25, I will have to lose thirty-five pounds. I estimate that I was about twenty-nine years old the last time my BMI was below twenty-five. The solution, you guessed it, more exercise.

I told my doctor that tossing and turning all night and dragging my fat ass out of bed every morning should be all the exercise I need. His answer. He says I need to walk at least thirty minutes per day.

I told him that I get up at four-thirty every morning, read my e-mail, and have two or three cups of coffee. The dog and I leave at about six. It is her walk. She is nine years old. She walks quickly and stops suddenly to enjoy a particularly enchanting odor. Probably where another dog pissed. I walk slowly because of my affliction. You know, this twenty-eight-pound dog can drag my two-hundred-pound ass along. But we get there. Most mornings it takes about thirty minutes for her walk. That is if my medications are working. Some days I have to cut it short. Just cannot walk very far on the days I am “off.” Then there is a fifteen-minute walk at three PM and another at seven.

I have one of those Bow Flex resistance machines. I work out with it every other day and ride my wife’s bicycle to nowhere for about half an hour an hour. On the other days, I walk around the block at about a two miles per hour pace. That is if I am “on”. If my Parkinson’s medicine is working and my muscles obey the commands I am sending them. If I am “off”, I usually go much slower for the evening walk if it is really difficult. Sometimes difficult is just too fucking mild a word.

And all these mother fuckers keep telling me to exercise. They have no idea what “exercise” means.

I subscribe to a number of e-newsletters regarding Parkinson’s disease. Interesting reading about current research and advice on living with the disease. I found a link to a Parkinson’s Support Group website. I thought that maybe I could learn some tricks to better help me live with the disease. I logged on but didn’t register. I just lurked reading member posts from the last few weeks. What a bunch of “Woe is me” fucking crybabies. I have heard less crying and bitching from a bunch of twidget strikers who were just told they were going mess cooking. I wanted to tell them to, “Man the fuck up.”

Conclusion. I didn’t write this looking for sympathy. My Company Commander in boot camp told me where I could find sympathy. Each of us has afflictions and crosses to bear. Play the hand you are dealt, the best way you can. It is called life, live it.

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D-Day, June 6, 1944

D-Day, June 6, 1944

76 years ago today, the skies were still cloudy, the sun was just beginning to shine, and a vast armada lay off the coast of Normandy, most likely the largest gathering of ships and men ever assembled. It was D-Day, and the United States and its allies prepared to invade Fortress Europe. If you’re old enough, you knew about the war…it was real, it was a daily occurrence. At that point, it seemed as though the Germans were unstoppable…but we landed, at a terrible loss of life, and made our way, slowly, inward. The men who stormed ashore, with many dying before they hit the water, and all the rest of the participants in that war…THAT was The Greatest Generation, and I doubt we will ever see their like again.

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Leaving in the Morning

Leaving in the Morning

By Garland Davis

Walking along among the lights of Magsaysay Drive

Me and Mercy making our way toward the night

I can hear the songs from the entertainers, the girls

Begging sailors inside

Watching the summer sun slowly fall from sight

There’s a warm wind from over the bay

Filling the streets with the smell of Subic

Mercy pushes her hand into my hand

Said she likes the feel of her hand in mine

In the morning, the ship is leaving, making way to the Gunline

Tonight, I’m sure we’ll be just fine

For the time left together

And I know for tonight she will be mine

The band is playing in the country bar

I laid out the cash for a couple of drinks

And while we are dancing, she wraps her arms around me

And I can feel her arms and body pulling me in

While we sway to the music

She tells me she loves me

And I laugh because I know it isn’t true

But, our time together draws to an end tonight

And, Mercy, there’s so much I want to do with you.

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The Front Porch,

The Front Porch,

By Garland Davis

Where I grew up in rural North Carolina almost every house had a front porch. In winter it was a place to store firewood and during nicer weather, it was a place to congregate and talk about the events of the day. It was a place where neighbors could congregate and share the news. I learned many things just sitting and listening to the adults.

In the evenings after the days work and the after supper, yeah, I said supper, chores were finished. Dinner was what you ate at midday. The grown-ups would bring the chairs from the house and congregate around the open window where the radio could be heard. They would talk and tell stories, pausing occasionally to listen to a joke by Jack Benny or to a tense section of the Lone Ranger when Tonto was dangling over a cliff.

Although, people were sitting and talking their hands were not idle, especially when the garden came in. I remember snapping and stringing beans tor my Mama and Granny to can the next day. Once, a fellow, coming back from down east gave my dad three bushels of peaches. We peeled peaches, it seemed forever.

It was also a place tos sip a little shine on Saturday nights and “make music.” An uncle with his fiddle, my dad semi-proficient with the five-string banjo, and a fellow with a guitar, as well as a teenager who played guitar and sang. (he went on to make a life in Country Music). He even had a hit song, “A Rose and a Baby Ruth.”

But the people who used the front porch most in the spring, summer, and fall were the oldsters. You could drive through the country and almost every house has an old man, old woman, or one of each sitting on the porch watching the traffic go by. They waved (what we called, “thowed up their hand”) to every car that passed. Looking back on it, the only contact they had with the outside was the people in those cars. I realize they were just sitting there waiting to die. You don’t see them on the porches or in public these days. They are in Senior Citizen’s Homes, Assisted Living Facilities, or whatever fancy name they can come up with in order to charge more to warehouse unwanted oldsters.

There is still a front porch of sorts for those of us who are old and not as physically able to do a hell of a lot. We sit alone in a room connected to hundreds of people we do not know but we call them “friends.” Officially I have 1643 friends this morning. I probably have met and know a hundred of them. My “front porch” has a twenty-seven-inch screen, the latest iteration of Windows, two terabytes of something I do not understand. It is my window to the world where I write serious political commentaries and other crap that wanders through my mind. I, sometimes successfully and sometimes not, try my warped sense of humor on others.

We can write to each other and actually talk face to face, though hundreds and thousands of miles apart. I have recently discovered that some of us can get together in group calls and talk, tell sea stories, laugh at the antics we engaged in during a younger day, and yes even partake of our favorite libation.

So, if you run across me somewhere out there in the ether, “Thow Up Your Hand.” Perhaps we will both live a little longer.

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First Warship Named For a Female

First Warship Named For a Female

Thanks to Peter Yeschenko

USS Higbee DD-806

USS Higbee DD-806 was a Gearing-class destroyer in the US Navy during WWII.

She was the first US warship named for a female member of the U.S. Navy, being named for Chief Nurse Lenah S. Higbee, a pioneering Navy nurse who served as Superintendent of the US Navy Nurse Corps during World War I.

Lenah Higbee completed nurses’ training at the New York Postgraduate Hospital in 1899 and entered private practice soon thereafter.

She took postgraduate training at Fordham Hospital, New York in 1908 and in October 1908, she joined the newly-established US Navy Nurse Corps as one of its first twenty members.

These nurses, who came to be called “The Sacred Twenty”, were the first women to formally serve as members of the Navy.

She was promoted to Chief Nurse in 1909. Lenah Higbee became chief nurse at Norfolk Naval Hospital in April 1909.

In January 1911, Mrs. Higbee (she was the widow of Lieutenant Colonel John Henley Higbee, USMC) became the second Superintendent of the Nurse Corps.

For her achievements in leading the Corps through the First World War, Chief Nurse Higbee was awarded the Navy Cross, the first living woman to receive that medal.

She resigned from the position of Superintendent and retired from the Navy on 23 November 1922.

Chief Nurse Lenah H. Higbee died at Winter Park, Florida, on 10 January 1941 and is buried at Arlington National Cemetery.

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Memorial Day

Memorial Day

As has been said many times, this is NOT a happy holiday. It’s not really to sell appliances, tires, cars, linens, or anything else.

Grill out, if you can, and if you must, but keep in mind that you can do that because somebody paid the price of admission for you.

A very small percentage of Americans have worn the uniform, gone to war, and didn’t return…and the rest of us have to thank them every day because we live free. Raise one in tribute, please.

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A Sailor

A Sailor

Again thanks to Paul Reuter and Peter T Yeschenko

you had to be one to understand. SAILOR

· A Sailor will walk 10 miles in a freezing rain to get a beer but complain about standing a 4 hour quarterdeck watch on a beautiful, balmy spring day.

· A Sailor will lie and cheat to get off the ship early and then will have no idea where he wants to go.

· Sailors are territorial. They have their assigned spaces to clean and maintain. Woe betide the shipmate who tracks through a freshly swabbed deck.

· Sailors constantly complain about the food on the mess decks while concurrently going back for second or third helpings.

· Some Sailors have taken literally the old t-shirt saying that they should “Join the Navy. Sail to distant ports. Catch embarrassing, exotic diseases.”

· After a long sea deployment, Sailors realizes how much they miss being at sea. After getting out of the Navy, they consider taking a cruise and visiting some of their past favorite ports. Of course they’ll have to pony up better than $5,000 for the privilege. To think, Uncle Sam actually had to pay Sailors to visit those same ports while they were in.

· Sailors can spend two years on a ship and never visit every nook and cranny or even every major space aboard.

· Campari (Italian liqueur considered an aperitif) and soda taken in the warm Spanish sun is an excellent hangover remedy.

· E-5 is the almost perfect military pay grade. Too senior to catch the crap details, too junior to be blamed if things go awry.

· Never be first, never be last and never volunteer for anything. And everyone knows what NAVY stands for = Never Again Volunteer yourself.

· Almost every port has a “gut.” An area teeming with cheap bars, easy women and parties. Kind of like Bourbon St., but with foreign currency.

· If the Guardia Civil tell you to “Alto,” you’d best alto, right now. Same goes for the Carabinieri, gendarmes and other assorted police forces. You could easily find yourself in that port’s hoosegow or shot.

· Contrary to popular belief, Chief Petty Officers do not walk on water. They walk just above it. That’s only the “BLACK SHOES“. The “Airdales” – or “Brown Shoes” – think they fly, but that’s a myth.

· Sad but true, when visiting even the most exotic ports of call, some Sailors only see the inside of the nearest pub.

· Also under the category of sad but true, that lithe, sultry Mediterranean/Asian beauty you spent those wonderful three days with and have dreamed about ever since, is almost certainly a grandmother now and buying her clothes from Omar the Tent maker.

· A Sailor can, and will, sleep anywhere, anytime.

· Do not eat Mafunga or Balut ever!

· Yes, it’s true, it does flow downhill.

· In the traditional “crackerjack” uniform you were recognized as a member of United States Navy, no matter what port you were in.

· Most Sailors won’t disrespect a shipmate’s mother. On the other hand, it’s not wise to tell them you have a good looking sister.

· Sailors and Marines will generally fight one another, and fight together against all comers.

· If you can at all help it, never tell anyone that you are seasick.

· Check the rear dungaree pockets of a Sailor. Right pocket a wallet. Left pocket a book.

· The Sailor who seemed to get away with doing the least, always seemed to be first in the pay line and the chow line.

· General Quarters drills and the need to evacuate one’s bowels often seem to coincide.

· Speaking of which, when the need arises, the nearest head is always the one which is secured for cleaning.

· Four people you never screw with: the doc, the cook, the disbursing clerk and the ship’s barber.

· In the summer, all deck seamen wanted to be Signalmen. In the winter they wanted to be Radiomen.

· Do snipes ever get the grease and oil off their hands?

· Never play a drinking game which involves the loser paying for all the drinks.

· There are only two good ships: the one you came from and the one you’re going to.

· Whites, coming from the cleaners, clean, pressed and starched, last that way about 30 microseconds after donning them. The Navy dress white uniform is a natural dirt magnet.

· Sweat pumps operate in direct proportion to the seniority of the official visiting.

· Skill, daring and science will always win out over horsesh*t, superstition and luck.

· We train in peace so that in time of war the greater damage will be upon our enemies and not upon ourselves.

· “Pride and professionalism” trumps “Fun and zest” any day.

· The shrill call of a bosun’s pipe still puts a chill down my spine.

· Three biggest lies in the Navy: We’re happy to be here; This is not an inspection; We’re here to help.

· Everything goes in the log.

· Rule 1: The Chief is always right. Rule 2: When in doubt refer to Rule 1.

· A wet napkin under your tray keeps the tray from sliding on the mess deck table in rough seas, keeping at least one hand free to hold on to your beverage. (Maybe on a carrier. On a Tin Can, one hand holds the tray level with the drink on it with one hand while eating with the other.)

· Never walk between the projector and the movie screen after the movie has started.

· A guy who doesn’t share a care package from home is no shipmate.

· But…if I had to do it all over again, I would. Twice.

· When I sleep, I often dream I am back at sea.

· Good shipmates are friends forever.

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HOW TO SIMULATE BEING A SAILOR

HOW TO SIMULATE BEING A SAILOR

1. Buy a steel dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for six months.

2. Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.

3. Repaint your entire house every month using gray paint.

4. Renovate your bathroom. Lower all showerheads to four and one-half feet off the deck.

5. When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.

6. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn water heater temperature up to 300 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn water heater off.

7. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they used too much water during the week, so no bathing will be allowed.

8. Put 5W-20 lube oil in your humidifier, instead of water, and set it on high.

9. Leave your lawn mower running in your living room 24 hours a day to maintain proper ambient noise level.

10. Once a month, disassemble all your major appliances and electric garden tools, inspect them and then reassemble them. Do this every week with your lawnmower, weed whacker and other gasoline powered tools.

11. Once a week blow compressed air up through your chimney, making sure the wind carries the soot across and onto your neighbor’s house. Laugh at him when he curses you.

12. Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors, so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them.

13. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can’t turn over without getting out and then getting back in.

14. Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books.

15. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 4 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say “Sorry, wrong rack.”

16. Make each member your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house i.e., dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.

17. Find the dumbest guy in the neighborhood and make him your boss for the next two years.

18. Have your neighbor come over each day at 5 am, blow a whistle so loud Helen Keller could hear it, and shout “Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up.”

19. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she’s going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 0600 (6 A.M.) while she reads it to you.

20. Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not.

21. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering it to you.

22. Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, and then show a different one.

23. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone shouting that your home is under attack and ordering them to their battle stations.

24. Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs.

25. Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off.

26. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread.

27. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the back yard and uncoil the garden hose.

28. Every week or so, throw your cat or dog into the pool and shout, “Man overboard port side!” Rate your family members on how fast they respond.

29. Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don’t plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup “Stove manned and ready.” After an hour or so, speak into the cup again “Stove secured.” Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoebox.

30. Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4-hour intervals. This is best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time.

31. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, get a wobbly rocking chair, sit in it and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. Make sure to have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket.

32. Buy a trash compactor but only use it once a week. Store up garbage in your bathtub.

33. Invite at least 375 people, most of whom you don’t really like, to come and live with you for about 6 months.

34. Lock-wire the lug nuts on your car wheels.

35. Start your car and let it run for 4 hours before going anywhere, to ensure the engine is properly “lit off”.

36. Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure every 15 minutes.

37. Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per pot, and allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours before drinking.

38. Have the paperboy give you a haircut with sheep shears.

39. Submit a request form to your father-in-law, asking if it’s OK for you to leave your house before 1500 (3 PM).

40. Take a two-week vacation visiting the Far East, and call it “world travel”.

41. Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you are going to take them to Disney World for “liberty.” At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house.

42. Needle gun the aluminum siding on your house after your neighbors have gone to bed.

Now, who’s ready to go back to sea?

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The Battle of Ramree Island

The Battle of Ramree Island

Thanks to Paul Reuter and Peter T Yeschenko

SOMETHING YOU MIGHT NOT KNOW!

1000 JAPANESE SOLDIERS WERE ATTACKED BY CROCODILES DURING WWII!

In 1942, during WWII, the Japanese Imperial Army captured Ramree Island off the Burma coast, 70 miles south of Akyab, now known as Sittwe.

Since Ramree was strategically important, the Allies wanted to retake the island and establish airbases to support the mainland campaign.

In 1945, an attack on the island was launched.

After a bloody face-off, British troops managed to drive nearly 1,000 Japanese soldiers into the dense mangrove swamp that covered some 10 miles of Ramree.

The defeated Japanese soldiers ignored all appeals by the British to surrender, and instead abandoned their base and entered the swamp.

It was after this that one of the oddest incidents in the history of warfare occurred.

Many of the Japanese troops succumbed to tropical diseases carried by swarms of mosquitoes, and various poisonous spiders, snakes, and scorpions found in the marsh.

Lack of drinking water and the constant threat of starvation were problems as well. Despite these numerous hazards, one danger stood out as the greatest…

CROCODILES!

Unknown to the Imperial Japanese Army, the mangrove swamps of Ramree Island were home to an unknown number of the largest reptilian predator in the world – the saltwater crocodile.

These reptiles can grow up to 20 feet long and weigh 2,000 pounds, with many being known to eat animals as big as Indian water buffalo. Even a mid-size saltwater crocodile could easily kill a full-grown adult human.

One night British soldiers reported hearing panicked screams and gunfire coming from within the darkness of the swamp.

They didn’t know what exactly was causing the terrified shouts they heard, it was as if the Japanese troops were being ravaged by some evil menace.

The soldiers were viciously and mercilessly attacked by the crocodiles.

There is a long history of saltwater crocodiles attacking humans who wander into their habitats, and ultimately only 520 out of 1000 Japanese soldiers managed to survive the Ramree swamps.

Some of the Japanese soldiers were so badly injured and mauled that they were later captured by the British forces.

The Battle of Ramree Island is not well known due to it not being one of the Second World War’s most significant skirmishes.

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