Axe Body Wash

By:  Garland Davis

I know you have all seen the commercials showing the dude being mobbed by sexy women after bathing with Axe Body Wash.  Let me tell you my experience or rather my dog’s experience with Axe.  While shopping at Wal-Mart, I saw a display of Axe and decided to try it.  I was thinking that I wouldn’t mind being mobbed by a horde of sexy cheerleaders.  I bought it and while unloading the car, sat it on the washer in the garage.   Putting away my other purchases, I noticed some oil drips on the concrete and decided to pressure wash the drive. I completely forgot the Axe.  My wife, not paying attention placed it in the cabinet with the window cleaner and dog shampoo.

Later in the week, I decided to shampoo my male dog.  I lifted him into the oversized utility sink, installed for the purpose of washing dogs. I wet him down, reached for the dog shampoo and found the bottle empty.  I saw the Axe and decided to use it since he was already wet.  I copiously applied the body wash to his fur and scrubbed him down.

Strange things began to happen.   My female dog started whining and scratching at the door acting like she does when in heat.  Very strange; she had just completed the active phase of her estrus cycle.   Other female dogs in the neighborhood were suddenly coming into heat.  Even some dogs that had been neutered were acting strangely.  Dogs were escaping their constraints and running to my house, whining and scratching at the door.  I was kept busy returning them to their homes. Even Bruce, the gay Labradoodle, who lives in the next block and wears the pink bandana, tried to move into my garage. He was a real pain in the ass, whining like a bitch dog and parading past the door shaking his ass.

Whenever we went for a walk, the girl dogs were backing up to my dog and shaking their booty under his nose. Every time he raised his leg to piss, Bruce tried to sniff his junk.  At first, he loved the attention and, especially, the frequent opportunities to beat up Bruce.  Bruce appeared to enjoy the abuse and was persistent.  In the end, being a celebrity proved nerve-wracking.  He could hardly get in the twelve daily naps that he was accustomed to because of all the barking and whining from his admirers.

Tiring of the celebrity lifestyle he took measures to return his life to normal.  He rolled on a dead cat and a dog turd to mask the odor of the Axe and to smell more like a dog.  Within hours, Bruce had moved back home and the females, either, barked, growled, tried to bite him, or just ignored him during his walks. He was catching up on his sleep. Life was back to normal. Life was good!

I gave the partial bottle of Axe to Bruce’s owner, who used it to shampoo him. Now Bruce is in love with himself and spends his time licking his private parts while ignoring the attentions of all the adoring girl dogs.

They really ought to put warning labels on that Axe stuff.

Well, I’ve got to go. Got to cut this short. I am going to shower and take a walk down by the University Sports Complex.  The girl’s cheerleading team is scheduled to practice this afternoon.

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A native of North Carolina, Garland Davis has lived in Hawaii since 1987. He always had a penchant for writing but did not seriously pursue it until recently. He is a graduate of Hawaii Pacific University, where he majored in Business Management. Garland is a thirty-year Navy retiree and service-connected Disabled Veteran.