Milk Duds

by: Garland Davis

A gross-out post about goat dicks and fish assholes in a Facebook post reminded me of something that happened back in the day.  Sailors are ingenious and love a gross out.

I was assigned the collateral duty of Command Chief Petty Officer in a ship during the late seventies. It was only for about a month period while I was the senior member of the CPO Mess.  A BMCS reported a few days after this incident and became the SCPO.

The ship’s Executive Officer took his duties seriously, especially XO’s daily Messing and Berthing Inspection.  At 0900, each working day, the XO, the Command Chief, the Chief Corpsman, and a Yeoman, to take notes, would tour all berthing and messing spaces.  The XO was particularly concerned about sanitation in the heads.  He carried a mirror with which he inspected the commodes and urinals to make sure that the head cleaners were cleaning under the rims.

The shitters and pissers were stainless steel and a few were pitted and corroded from the salt water used to flush them.  The XO was adamant that this was filth and could be scrubbed off.  His constant comment to head cleaners was “this should be clean enough to eat from.”  The cleaners would scrub with greenies, steel wool, and the prohibited scouring powder, all with no progress.  The pits and stains remained and the XO wasn’t pleased. He often had a stream of LPO’s, Chiefs, Division Officers, and Department Heads trooping into the heads for lectures about sanitation.

One eventful day we were crowded into the aft crew’s head, which was Engineering Department’s responsibility.  The young FN head cleaner had been harangued each day about the condition of one particular commode.  He spent hours scrubbing under the rim of that unit to no avail.  On this particular day, the XO inspected under the rim of the shitter with his mirror and called the FN and told him to look and asked, “What is this.”  The FN looks, reaches under the rim and pulls out a brown object and says, “Looks like a turd, sir.”  Then he pops it into his mouth, chews and says, “But it tastes like a Milk Dud, sir.”

The XO turned green, gagged, said dismissed and high-tailed it to his stateroom.  That was the last Messing and Berthing inspection that he ever conducted in that ship. Subsequently, the CDO conducted Messing and Berthing Inspections in port and a designated Department Head did so at sea.

Within a few minutes, the story of the Milk Dud had spread throughout the ship.  Within an hour, the ships store had sold its whole stock of Milk Duds.  Any time the XO entered a space someone would take a packet of Milk Duds from his pocket and eat one.

The XO had the Chief Corpsman send the young head cleaner to the Yokosuka Naval Hospital for psychiatric evaluation and directed the Ship’s Store Officer to discontinue selling Milk Duds.

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A native of North Carolina, Garland Davis has lived in Hawaii since 1987. He always had a penchant for writing but did not seriously pursue it until recently. He is a graduate of Hawaii Pacific University, where he majored in Business Management. Garland is a thirty-year Navy retiree and service-connected Disabled Veteran.