New Year’s Log 2018

New Year’s Log 2018

By:  Garland Davis

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It is customary in the Navy for the Midwatch log on December 31/January 1 be written in rhyme.  My, attempt at a retiree’s New Year’s log.

1 January 2018, 0000 to 0400 Watch

Both cars are on cold iron and parked in the drive

In the house, we are waiting for the New Year to arrive

Receiving nighttime electrical power from Hawaiian Electric

During the day from PV panels placed by Sunetric

Water from the aquifer well up the street I think

CHT hooked to Waste Water piping and carried away with the stink

Cable, Broadband, and Telephone from Spectrum’s Oceanic

Everything is in order, nothing to do but drink

My wife is Senior Officer Present Abode and my friends are here

There are Anheuser and Busch, and the Captain to bring cheer

Along with Victoria’s Crown and Jack with his number Seven

Pusser is here somewhere and Gilbey and Schweppe make it even

My neighbors have fireworks legal and not

That approaching midnight will, with a clamor, be shot

While the Year of the dog celebrity Shiba-inu Izumi hides under the bed

With all that said the only thing left is to commune with my friends

If I wake without a hangover, it will be a new trend

The bottles I probably found hard to close

Reluctant to go for a night of repose

The 2018 New Year will be here and in May I will wait

To board that flight to Branson at the United Gate

Looking forward to seeing you there at the Westpac’rs reunion Shipmate

 

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Is Navy a color?

theleansubmariner

 

A colleague posted a story about two seven year old girls talking at a funeral.

One girl told the other her uncle was in the Navy.

The second little girl said that she thought navy was a color.

Is Navy a color?

In the eyes of a seven year old, maybe that is her only exposure to the word. In ages past, people were more aware of the connection between the color and the sailors that wore it. Schools taught children about the sacrifices of brave men and women around the world who had left their homes to protect them in faraway places. Churches had special services and prayers for deployed sailors and soldiers and children were encouraged to ask God for their protection. Moms and Dads would place stars in their windows when a son or daughter was deployed and more often than we would hope those stars…

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Sailors Have More Fun Than Monkeys

Sailors Have More Fun Than Monkeys

By Cort Willoughby

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Sure nuff, LOOKING at the path my life lays out for me I can attest for real that SAILORS have more fun than monkeys . Monkeys have more fun than people . Today was such a day . I try to gauge my trips to the grocery to get me home before dark . Really doesn’t matter as there are no farm chores to be done . Only my meager efforts to have dinner n dishes done , line up meds, rain locker etc . I’m pretty sure most have a similar routine. As my timing at the grocery meets with several other old farts. We probably think we are safer in numbers . At any rate there are usually the same 3 or 4 I know as VETS. The fresh veggies dude retired AIR FORCE . Now , Robert , before he took to fighting with a fierce attitude his battle with cancer , he always enjoyed going to his farm and worry about his animals. For sure one person that loves working and watching his horses n other animals on his farm . He and half dozen worthless farts got together daily for coffee and fixing the problems. Me , I’m pretty much a loner, I’ll take my coffee at home. So it’s when I go grocery shopping I run into other worthless farts n inside 3 minutes we have greeted each other thann moving on .

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TODAY , ONE OF US WORTHLESS FARTS WAS SPEAKING WITH HIS FINGER PLUGGING THE HOLE IN HIS THROAT TO TALK . NOW , HE IS GIVEN TO BEING CAUGHT UP IN EXCITEMENT , SOMEWHAT JUMPY , GREAT WORTHLESS OLD FART . WE SEE AN AMAZON GO BY US . NOW , THIS FANTASTIC FIGURE OF A WOMAN WOULD HAVE STOOD OUT IN A LAND OF AMAZON’S, HERE , RITE NOW ! OUR EYEBALLS BLINKING TILT TILT, TILT LOOKING AT HER. DUDE EXCITED , HAS HIS FINGER PUSHED TO THE SECOND DIGIT IN HIS PORT HOLE . HIS EXCITED RASPY VOICE SPEWS OUT **** HOT DAMN , IT WOULD TAKE 18 WHEELERS TO BUST THAT DOWN AND GET THAT PUSS ***** HE REALIZES HE HAS BURIED HIS DIGIT AND BUSTED OUT LOUD . YOU NEVER SAW 4 CANES BEATING OUT RETREAT SO DAMN FAST , COCKROACHES HAVE NOTHING ON US . MY LUCK , I’M BUSTED ! SHE LOOKS DOWN AT ME , HER PERFECT RADAR DOMES ARE HIGH N TIGHT. SHE LOOKS AT ME , HELL , I’M THE BOSN , SO HERE GOES . I SAID MA’AM, WE DON’T GET TO SEE SUCH BEAUTY IN THE PROPORTIONS YOU HAVE . YOU GOTTA ADMIT IT WAS A GREAT VIEW WHEN YOU BENT OVER . SHE ACTUALLY SMILED , LEANED DOWN N KISSED MY OLD HEAD . WORTHLESS BASTARDS GRILLED ME FOR TWENTY MINUTES . HELL , I’M A FLEET SAILOR . WIN SOME, AND THEN WIN SOME MORE . DGUTS BOSN

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Christmas

This is an article submitted to a Louisville KY Newspaper contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize.

As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay’s kids’ stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don’t sell those things at
Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you’ve never been in an X-rated store, don’t go, you’ll only confuse yourself.
I was there an hour saying things like, ‘What does this do?’ ‘You’re kidding me!’ ‘Who would buy that?’ Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult.
‘Love Dolls’ come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I’d only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for ‘Lovable Louise.’ She was at the bottom of the price scale.

To call Louise a ‘doll’ took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa
had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise’s pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. ‘What the hell is that?’ she asked.

My brother quickly explained, ‘It’s a doll.’

‘Who would play with something like that?’ Granny snapped.

I kept my mouth shut.

‘Where are her clothes?’ Granny continued.

‘Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,’ Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. ‘Why doesn’t she have any teeth?’

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, ‘Hang on Granny, hang on!’

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidledup to me and said, ‘Hey, who’s the naked gal by the fireplace?’ I told him she was Jay’s friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa’s last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then
she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother’s garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of
Louise’s collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health..

I can’t wait until next Christmas.

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