Chief Makes a Speech

Chief Makes a Speech

By Garland Davis

“First of all, I would like to thank Hardass, I mean Captain Stewart. I know, I know I’ll try not to do that again. But it’s hard to call someone Captain when you wiped their nose and kept them out of the shit when they were a boot Ensign. Anyway, thanks for permitting me to speak for the CPO Mess at this Ship’s Party saying farewell to Hardass—Captain Stewart.

Oops, almost spilled my beer. Hard trying to stand up and juggle a mug of beer and a microphone at the same time. I was told to keep it light. You know funny stories.

‘After all,’ Suck-up, er, the XO said to me, ‘You have known Hardass, oops, there I go again, longer than anyone in the crew.’

I always thought it was pretty funny when Hardass—Captain—Stewart—busted the Third-Class Laundryman for hanky-panky in the fan room with an LBFM one of the Snipes, who passed out in the mess decks, brought aboard and the newly minted SHSN retaliated by pressing bleach dust into the crotch of Hardass’s—the Captain’s—skivvies. Doc said it was the worst case of crotch rot he had ever seen.

Where’s the waiter? I need a refill on my beer. That’s it; let’s hear some applause for old Hard—er- Captain Stewart.

Talking like this is especially hard for me, especially with this microphone in one hand and this empty mug—HEY WAITER, didn’t you hear me say that this mug is EMPTY? — Now, where was I? Oh Yeah, funny stories.

There was the time the Commodore was expected for a visit. Hardass – there I go again, the Captain— dressed in whites, walked out on the starboard wing of the bridge to look down the pier. The QM’s had just painted the deck. QMSN was in the chart house making Wet Paint ON Deck signs. Hardass—excuse me—slipped and busted his Hardass on the wet paint. His whites had a deck gray ass. I have always gotten a chuckle telling that story.

Waiter, this glass must have a hole in it, the son-of-a-bitch is empty again. Tell you what, don’t pay any attention to these other people, just keep bringing me fresh beers. All this talking is making me as dry as a popcorn fart.

What’s that Master Chief, you can’t hear? Well move your deaf ass a little closer to the podium.

Watta ya mean, XO? NO, I ain’t finished yet, you can’t have the microphone. Waiter bring me a shot of Jack along with the next beer, wait make that a shot of Jack and two beers.


Sorry for banging the microphone. I lost my balance. You know it is really hard to hold the microphone in one hand without spilling the beer in the other. Now that I just spilled one, it’s time for a refill to get me going again. Good man waiter, you’re right on time. Thanks that’s good. I do believe this cheap beer swallows better than all that Craft beer crap.

Oops. Sorry about that Mrs. Hardass—I mean Mrs. Stewart. You know, it’s a good thing you didn’t come to Hong Kong this cruise. You would have really been pissed off at the antics of your husband.

Now XO –I mean Suck-up—you asked me to speak so just sit down and quit trying to steal the microphone. Waiter, my glass is empty. You’re slacking off, boy.

Oh, you’re sending a waitress this time. Hi Sweetheart. Thank you and bless your Mama for making you so pretty. Just between you and me, steer clear of old Hardass there. In Hong Kong he made a Chinese bar girl jump four feet when he ran his hand up her dress. Be careful.

Back to Captain Hardass. He took his golf clubs to Westpac. The only reason they weren’t covered with dust when we got back to the States was because the Steward kept them dusted. The only holes he played in Wespac were surrounded by hair or lipstick.

Where’s Mrs. Hardass going in such a hurry. Hey Captain, let her go. She’ll get over whatever is bothering her.

Okay Suck-up, you can have the microphone. Old Hardass is gone. The way he rushed out of here, he must have had to piss really bad. Matter a fact, me too. I can drink a lotta beer before I have to go but then I might as well move my table into the head. Old Merrill at the Subic CPO Club got kinda pissed when I did it there.

What, they are out of beer. Well that is all I have to say. I’m going to un-ass this place and go where they have beer. Hey sweet thang, Suck-up just closed the bar and said the party’s over. So, you don’t have to do any more waitressing. You want to go with me?”


Day of Infamy

Day of Infamy


President Franklin D. Roosevelt’s address to a joint session of Congress on December 8, 1941.

“Mr. Vice President, Mr. Speaker, Members of the Senate, and of the House of Representatives:

Yesterday, December 7th, 1941 — a date which will live in infamy — the United States of America was suddenly and deliberately attacked by naval and air forces of the Empire of Japan.

The United States was at peace with that nation and, at the solicitation of Japan, was still in conversation with its government and its emperor looking toward the maintenance of peace in the Pacific.

Indeed, one hour after Japanese air squadrons had commenced bombing in the American island of Oahu, the Japanese ambassador to the United States and his colleague delivered to our Secretary of State a formal reply to a recent American message. And while this reply stated that it seemed useless to continue the existing diplomatic negotiations, it contained no threat or hint of war or of armed attack.1

It will be recorded that the distance of Hawaii from Japan makes it obvious that the attack was deliberately planned many days or even weeks ago. During the intervening time, the Japanese government has deliberately sought to deceive the United States by false statements and expressions of hope for continued peace.

The attack yesterday on the Hawaiian Islands has caused severe damage to American naval and military forces. I regret to tell you that very many American lives have been lost. In addition, American ships have been reported torpedoed on the high seas between San Francisco and Honolulu.

Yesterday, the Japanese government also launched an attack against Malaya.

Last night, Japanese forces attacked Hong Kong.

Last night, Japanese forces attacked Guam.

Last night, Japanese forces attacked the Philippine Islands.

Last night, the Japanese attacked Wake Island.

And this morning, the Japanese attacked Midway Island.

Japan has, therefore, undertaken a surprise offensive extending throughout the Pacific area. The facts of yesterday and today speak for themselves. The people of the United States have already formed their opinions and well understand the implications to the very life and safety of our nation.

As Commander in Chief of the Army and Navy, I have directed that all measures be taken for our defense. But always will our whole nation remember the character of the onslaught against us.

No matter how long it may take us to overcome this premeditated invasion, the American people in their righteous might will win through to absolute victory.

I believe that I interpret the will of the Congress and of the people when I assert that we will not only defend ourselves to the uttermost, but will make it very certain that this form of treachery shall never again endanger us.

Hostilities exist. There is no blinking at the fact that our people, our territory, and our interests are in grave danger.

With confidence in our armed forces, with the unbounding determination of our people, we will gain the inevitable triumph — so help us God.

I ask that the Congress declare that since the unprovoked and dastardly attack by Japan on Sunday, December 7th, 1941, a state of war has existed between the United States and the Japanese empire.”

“I fear all we have done is to awaken a sleeping giant and filled him with a terrible resolve.” — Admiral Isoroku Yamamoto. Commander in Chief of the Imperial Japanese Combined Fleet