Chief Makes a Speech
By Garland Davis
“First of all, I would like to thank Hardass, I mean Captain Stewart. I know, I know I’ll try not to do that again. But it’s hard to call someone Captain when you wiped their nose and kept them out of the shit when they were a boot Ensign. Anyway, thanks for permitting me to speak for the CPO Mess at this Ship’s Party saying farewell to Hardass—Captain Stewart.
Oops, almost spilled my beer. Hard trying to stand up and juggle a mug of beer and a microphone at the same time. I was told to keep it light. You know funny stories.
‘After all,’ Suck-up, er, the XO said to me, ‘You have known Hardass, oops, there I go again, longer than anyone in the crew.’
I always thought it was pretty funny when Hardass—Captain—Stewart—busted the Third-Class Laundryman for hanky-panky in the fan room with an LBFM one of the Snipes, who passed out in the mess decks, brought aboard and the newly minted SHSN retaliated by pressing bleach dust into the crotch of Hardass’s—the Captain’s—skivvies. Doc said it was the worst case of crotch rot he had ever seen.
Where’s the waiter? I need a refill on my beer. That’s it; let’s hear some applause for old Hard—er- Captain Stewart.
Talking like this is especially hard for me, especially with this microphone in one hand and this empty mug—HEY WAITER, didn’t you hear me say that this mug is EMPTY? — Now, where was I? Oh Yeah, funny stories.
There was the time the Commodore was expected for a visit. Hardass – there I go again, the Captain— dressed in whites, walked out on the starboard wing of the bridge to look down the pier. The QM’s had just painted the deck. QMSN was in the chart house making Wet Paint ON Deck signs. Hardass—excuse me—slipped and busted his Hardass on the wet paint. His whites had a deck gray ass. I have always gotten a chuckle telling that story.
Waiter, this glass must have a hole in it, the son-of-a-bitch is empty again. Tell you what, don’t pay any attention to these other people, just keep bringing me fresh beers. All this talking is making me as dry as a popcorn fart.
What’s that Master Chief, you can’t hear? Well move your deaf ass a little closer to the podium.
Watta ya mean, XO? NO, I ain’t finished yet, you can’t have the microphone. Waiter bring me a shot of Jack along with the next beer, wait make that a shot of Jack and two beers.
Sorry for banging the microphone. I lost my balance. You know it is really hard to hold the microphone in one hand without spilling the beer in the other. Now that I just spilled one, it’s time for a refill to get me going again. Good man waiter, you’re right on time. Thanks that’s good. I do believe this cheap beer swallows better than all that Craft beer crap.
Oops. Sorry about that Mrs. Hardass—I mean Mrs. Stewart. You know, it’s a good thing you didn’t come to Hong Kong this cruise. You would have really been pissed off at the antics of your husband.
Now XO –I mean Suck-up—you asked me to speak so just sit down and quit trying to steal the microphone. Waiter, my glass is empty. You’re slacking off, boy.
Oh, you’re sending a waitress this time. Hi Sweetheart. Thank you and bless your Mama for making you so pretty. Just between you and me, steer clear of old Hardass there. In Hong Kong he made a Chinese bar girl jump four feet when he ran his hand up her dress. Be careful.
Back to Captain Hardass. He took his golf clubs to Westpac. The only reason they weren’t covered with dust when we got back to the States was because the Steward kept them dusted. The only holes he played in Wespac were surrounded by hair or lipstick.
Where’s Mrs. Hardass going in such a hurry. Hey Captain, let her go. She’ll get over whatever is bothering her.
Okay Suck-up, you can have the microphone. Old Hardass is gone. The way he rushed out of here, he must have had to piss really bad. Matter a fact, me too. I can drink a lotta beer before I have to go but then I might as well move my table into the head. Old Merrill at the Subic CPO Club got kinda pissed when I did it there.
What, they are out of beer. Well that is all I have to say. I’m going to un-ass this place and go where they have beer. Hey sweet thang, Suck-up just closed the bar and said the party’s over. So, you don’t have to do any more waitressing. You want to go with me?”