Asia Sailor’s Rules
By: Garland Davis
The following rules are promulgated to guide the societal actions of the Asia Sailor:
- Under no circumstances may an Asia Sailor share an umbrella with another man
- An Asia Sailor may cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
- When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
- The moment Salena Gomez starts unbuttoning her blouse.
- At the decommissioning of a proud old ship.
- At the final memorial for a shipmate.
- An Asia Sailor may legally kill anyone who brings a camera to a party in the Barrio.
- Unless he murdered someone in the Asia Sailor’s family. The Asia Sailor must bail a shipmate out of jail within twelve hours.
- An Asia Sailor’s shipmate’s daughter or sister is off limits unless he actually marries her.
- An Asia Sailor must never complain about the brand of free beer in a shipmate’s fridge. However, bitching is permissible if the temperature of said beer is unsuitable.
- No Asia Sailor shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
- On a road trip, the Asia Sailor with the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the LantFlt Yeoman with the weakest bladder.
- An Asia Sailor stumbling upon a shipmate watching a sporting event, may ask the score of the game but never ask who is playing.
- There is never a valid reason for an Asia Sailor to watch men’s ice skating or men’s gymnastics. Ever! However, watching Michelle Wie play golf is permissible.
- It is permissible for an Asia Sailor to drink a fruity alcohol beverage only when it is MOJO and he is sunning on a tropical beach in Barrio Barretto, and the beverage is prepared and delivered by a topless LBFM and only if another Asia Sailor paid for it.
- An Asia Sailor always accepts free drinks.
- Only in situations of moral and or physical peril is an Asia sailor permitted to kick another man in the nuts.
- Asia Sailors never wear Speedos and never lets a shipmate do so. This issue is closed.
- If another sailor’s fly is unzipped, that’s his problem. An Asia Sailor doesn’t notice such things.
- Female sailors who claim to be Asia Sailors are to be treated as spies until they demonstrate the ability to pull a Seventy-Two in the Barrio and drink as much San Miguel as the Male Asia Sailor.
- When an Asia Sailor compliments a shipmate on his six-pack, of course, he is talking about the beer the shipmate is carrying.
- An Asia Sailor talking to a hot suggestively dressed LBFM in a club must always have enough Pesos for the Bar Pine.
- An Asia Sailor never hesitates to reach for the last San Miguel or the last stick of Monkey Meat, but not both, that is just greedy.
- An Asia Sailor never joins his wife or girlfriend in discussing a shipmate, unless she is withholding sex pending his response.
- An Asia Sailor never talks to another man in the head unless they are on equal footing (i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc.). For all other situations, only an almost imperceptible nod is appropriate.
- An Asia Sailor never lets a telephone conversation with his wife or present shack up to go longer than he can have sex with her. Hang up when necessary.
- The morning after an Asia Sailor and a female who was formerly “just a friend” have carnal, drunken, monkey sex and the fact that they are feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
- It is acceptable for an Asia Sailor to drive a woman’s car. It is never acceptable for her to drive his.
- An Asia Sailor never buys a brown, pink, lime green, orange, or sky blue car. Never!
- A woman who replies to the question, “What do you want for Christmas?” with “If you love me, you will know what I want!” gets laid Christmas morning by her Asia Sailor. End of story.
We sincerely hope this clears up any confusion.
The Asia Sailor Westpac’rs Association, Ltd.
P.S. Add something about an Asia Sailor never rubbing sunblock on another dude!
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A native of North Carolina, Garland Davis has lived in Hawaii since 1987. He always had a penchant for writing but did not seriously pursue it until recently. He is a graduate of Hawaii Pacific University, where he majored in Business Management. Garland is a thirty-year Navy retiree and service-connected Disabled Veteran.