As the Asia Sailor Ages…
By Garland Davis
1. Everything hurts and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work.
2. The gleam in his eyes is from the sun reflecting off his bifocals.
3. He awakens with the feeling that he pulled a night ion Magsaysay yet didn’t leave the house.
4. His little black book contains doctors’ contact info and a list of medications.
5. His kids who he knows about begin to look middle-aged.
6. He can no longer climb ladders and has to pay his grandkids to change light bulbs.l.
7. His mind says, “Hold my beer and watch.” His body says, “Fuck you, Dude.”
8. He looks forward to a dull evening.
9. His favorite TV shows are Re-runs of Victory at Sea, McHale’s Navy and, CPO Sharkey.
10. He turns out the lights for economical rather than romantic reasons.
11. He sits in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
12. His knees buckle, but his belt won’t.
14. He’s 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, 95 strokes and 6 beers around the golf course.
15. His back goes out more than he does.
17. His Pacemaker makes the garage doors go up he sees a pretty girl.
18. The little old gray-haired lady he tried to help across the street is his wife.
19. He sinks his teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
20. There is too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
21. He gets his exercise acting as a pallbearer for shipmates who have departed for Fiddlers Green.
22. He knows all the answers, but no one asks the questions any longer.
23. Whenever he falls asleep, people check his pulse to ensure he isn’t.dead.
24. He stops trying to sck in his gut regardless of who walks into the room.
25. He buys a compass for the dash of his car.
26. He is inordinately proud of his John Deere lawnmower.
27. His best friend is dating someone half his age…and is accused of Cougar hunting.
28. He doesn’t understand why the plumber doesn’t follow his advice on piping repairs.
29. His arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
30. He knows the lyrics and sings along with the elevator music.
31. He would rather go to work than take a sick day even when he is sick.
32. He is constantly pissed and talks about the price of gasoline.
33. He enjoys hearing about other people’s operations and describing his in detail..
34. He considers coffee one of the basic food groups and possibly the most important thing in life besides beer, whiskey, rum, other forms of alcohol, and pussy.
35. He doesn’t understand why he has to go for a dental check-up when he no longer has teeth.
36. He no longer thinks of speed limits as a challenge.
37. Neighbors borrow his tools, except for the lawnmower.
38. His shipmates call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
39. He dreams of aircraft carriers, San Miguel, LBFM’s, prunes, and LBFM’s.
40. He answers questions with, “because I said so.”
41. He makes donations to Trump and cusses the Democrats.
42. The end of his tie doesn’t come anywhere near the top of his pants.
43. He takes a metal detector to the beach.
44. He wears black or white socks with sandals. Sometimes one of each.
45. He knows what the word “equity” means.
46. He can’t remember the last time he lay on the floor to watch TV but thinks it had something to do with gin.
47. He has more hair growing on and out of his ears than he does on his head.
48. He gets into heated arguments about the qualities of beer, Retirement Pay, Social Security, and Medicare.
49. He watches cable for the weather channel (sometimes referred to as “Old Folks MTV”).
50. He has a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.
51. He almost has a heart attack when his granddaughter asks, “Granpa, you want to see my pussy.” just before she displays her new kitten.
52. He can no longer drink as late as he once did, so he starts his drinking earlier in the day.
53. Waits anxiously for May when he can attend the Annual Asis Sailor Westpac’rs Reunion in Branson, Missouri, and reconnect with his shipmates.
54. Alone late at night with his final whiskey, he removes his glasses to see better or perhaps cry.