New Year’s Bells

By Peter T. Teschenko

NAVY TRADITION!

DID YOU KNOW…..that we have a tradition in the Navy that sixteen bells are struck on midnight on New Years…

The oldest person on the ship strikes the first 8 no matter what his rank, enlisted or officer…the second 8 are struck by the youngest person on the ship.

The first 8 bells represent the old year and the second set of 8 bells represent the new year.

I saw this done twice in my career. Not sure if this is done anymore.

A Look At Exercise

By Garland Davis

Let’s face it: A 50- or 60-year-old body or even a 70 or 80 year old one, isn’t the same as a 20-year-old one. You won’t be able to do the same things — nor should you. – Wanna bet? Hold my beer and watch this shit!

Some fallacies about exercise:

1. You lose muscle mass as you get older, and exercise can help you rebuild it. – Wrong! I bought a treadmill, an exercycle, and a BowFlex. They have taken up space in my garage while my car sits in the drive and rusts. I am in no better shape, probably worse… well, okay really worse, than the day I moved them into the garage.

2. Muscles also burn more calories than fat. – Hah, do they realize how many calories it takes to carry this shit around?

3. Exercise can help your brain stay sharp and keep you from falling into a funk. -That would defeat the purpose of drinking!

Types of exercise:

1. Cardio or aerobic exercise gets your heart rate up and makes you breathe harder. – This can best be accomplished by watching Michelle Wie or Lexi Thompson squatting to read a green or bending with the leg raised to retrieve her ball from the cup after putting for birdie.

2. Strength or weight training keeps your muscles ready for action. – This one is simple, carry a 36-pack from your truck to the cooler at least three times per week. (May be accomplished in one day by buying three at a time. Of course, with the approval of your financial advisor…er…wife.)

3. Flexibility exercises help you stay limber so you can have a full range of movement. – This one is easy. Simply place the cooler a sufficient distance from the recliner so you have to stretch a bit to replenish your beverage.

4. Balance training becomes important after age 50, so you can prevent falls and stay active. – Another ‘No Brainer.’ Simply practice maintaining your balance during your many trips to the head.

5. Your physical therapist can suggest ways to adapt sports and exercises into your daily routine. – Don’t listen to the sadistic Son-of-a-Bitch. He was trained at the Marquis de Sade School of Physical Therapy and revels in your pain and discomfort.

6. Walking – This can be accomplished simultaneously with balance training.

7. Jogging – We’ll never know!

8. Dancing – Only if I am assured of some pussy afterward.

9. Golf – Watching the LPGA while hydrating can get the system percolating

10. Cycling – Only if it is done on a Harley!

11. Tennis – HaHaHaHaHa!

12. Swimming – Stay out of the water! Fish fuck in it!

13.Yoga – Are you shitting me?

14. Tai Chi – I’ve found that by walking into a spider web one can complete a one-hour session of Tai Chi in about five seconds!

Generally speaking, the more you exercise, the more benefit you get. And anything is better than nothing.

11 Tips for Better Sex

By Garland Davis

Sex isn’t just fun. It’s good for you too. Every orgasm releases a flood of the hormone oxytocin, which improves your mood. Regular rolls in the hay could improve your heart health, reduce stress and depression, improve your self-esteem, and help you sleep better. Snuggling together underneath the sheets also makes you feel closer to your partner and enhances your sense of intimacy. Forget all that crap, it feels good and Yeah, it is just fun!

The following are suggestions to improve sex.

1. Communicate with your partner. Indicate to her when it is time for a BJ. I have found this is best accomplished by fumbling in your wallet for more P’s.

2. Try something different. Be careful when suggesting a threesome with her sister or cousin. It could result in fatal injury. PROTECT PRIVATE PARTS!

3. Schedule time for intimacy and let her know if she isn’t on time, you gonna Butterfly. PROTECT THE PRIVATES!

4. Exercise in preparation for sex. Speed undressing is recommended. Tongue exercises can also enhance sexual experience.

5. The experts fallaciously urge one to take their time with sex. Pay no attention to this. Rush through the first time so you can do it again. When it comes to pussy, quantity is more important than quality. (Does not apply when you only paid for a short time. In that case, make it last as long as possible.)

6. Use lubricant. Lubricate each other with saliva before you get down to it.

7. Be Affectionate. Not every romantic encounter has to end in sex. HaHaHaHa! Surely I jest!

8. Relax. Sex is a potent stress reliever. You can alleviate her stress by showing her you have the necessary Pesos.

9. Plan an overnight getaway. Take her away from Olongapo. Might I suggest Barrio Boretto? Go bar hopping!

10. See your doctor especially if the burning and sore throat worsen.

11. If something is bothering you in the bedroom. Butterfly!

Eat Healthily, Stay Fit, and Live Well Over 50

By Garland Davis

This is written from a Seventy plus Fat Man’s perspective. My qualifications speak for themselves. I successfully served mediocre meals to U.S. Navy sailors for thirty years and can proudly say that I never lost one to starvation. Not On My Watch!

The following lifestyle remarks are designed to assist you as you age.

Eat Healthy Fats

They say that saturated fats are bad for you. They recommend you cut down on red meat and butter and eat fat fish and nuts. Don’t believe ‘em. This is all propaganda spouted by the Left Wing/Whole Foods Complex. It is better to have a delicious Carolina Chopped Pork-Pig Barbecue sandwich on a freshly BUTTERED. Bun with taters fried in pig fat than all that wimpy crap.

I knew an old boy who ate beans cooked with Pork Pig Fatback everyday along with cornbread made with Pig Lard and slathered in butter his mama churned from unpasteurized milk and washed down with the buttermilk resulting from the churning process.

Old Jim lived a long and productive life. The Lord took him well over fifty, the day before his fifty-second birthday. He was well thought of by the community. Why. the funeral home borrowed a new forklift from the dealership to move his coffin. It was the smaller model, less than a ton. They tricked it out nicely with the black ribbon in acknowledgment of the event.  ****See Jess at the Forklift Dealership! He’ll cut a deal!****

Exercise

I’m not going to waste a lot of time on this subject. I have always felt that the acts of going to bed at night and getting up the next morning pretty much cover one’s exercise needs. But if you think you need more slip these movements into your daily routine.

Caution: I recommend a Doctor’s check-up before drastically changing your routine. Slowly incorporate the added movements. Do not shock your system by adding them all at once.

1. Pour your own coffee instead of waiting for your wife to bring it to you. Instead of jumping into this one all at once, the first few day stand until she brings the coffee instead of sitting. Slowly work toward going to the pot and getting it yourself.

2. Pick up your dirty clothes and towels from the bathroom floor and place them in the hamper. This should not be attempted without preparatory back and hamstring stretches.

3. Perform twelve-ounce curls while watching reruns of all the pretty girls playing golf on the LPGA. Prepare for this exercise by curling a lighter weight, Might I suggest the remote.

4. This one is the hardest but can make one feel more alert and awake. Cut at least five minutes off your morning and afternoon naps.

5. The addition to shortened naps, nighttime tossing, and turning can greatly enhance your exercise program. This can be accomplished by drinking a large cup of black coffee that has heated on the burner since breakfast. (This does not work with sailors. Them suckers can sleep anywhere, except when on Liberty!))

Sex. All I can say about sex is “The worst I ever had was wonderful.”

Sex can be strenuous.  Working up to a fully active sex life takes time and money. You can easily pull a muscle, especially a wallet muscle during sex. It is best for the male to lie on his back while his partner caters to his every whim.  This way both participants enhance their fitness.

And always remember: Hobbies, shopping trips, Dr’s appointments, and yard work are designed to keep us from Day Drinking

“Now Muster a Stores Working Party…”

By Brion Boyles

USS MONTICELLO (LSD-35), ’79 or ’80, shipyards at Swan Island Marine Works, Portland, OR:

I was a young, mischievous seaman Quartermaster, little more than a year or so into my Navy career.

We were in the process of moving the crew aboard a Vietnam-era barracks barge tied up alongside the “MoBoat.” MONTICELLO’s senior cook was an ornery, hated, skimpy-rationing, prematurely bald-headed MS1 (Mess Specialist First Class) of questionable intellect. He had arranged for an all-hands work party to transfer the ships’ food stores to the storerooms and reefers on the barge, while work was being done to those on our ship.

It was going to be a long day of hard work…and NO ONE was happy about it.

Beginning at 0900, a line of about 100 sailors ran from 3 decks below the main deck of the “MoBoat”, up to and across the Quarterdeck, into the barge and down 3 decks. As the MS1 couldn’t be everywhere at once, all manner of foodstuffs where subject to all the sailor abuse and skylarking 100 unsupervised 18-19 year-olds could think of.

Guys were playing hockey with the contents of a split box of frozen “veal patties” in one passageway; some were tossing loose frozen Cornish hens over the side to see who could make the biggest splash. The much-hated frozen tamales were broken open and lobbed thru the air like hand-grenades. Hell, one corridor looked like a Timothy Leary LSD-induced nightmare… green, orange and red from a fight involving 1-pound Kool-Aid packets.

I myself was stationed at the foot of a ladder, taking stuff handed down from above and handing it around to go another deck down.

All this activity got me thinking, though…

I had the good luck to have rented a little hootch in Vancouver, across the river with another shipmate, a fellow Quartermaster. While he and I could afford the rent, filling our pantry and fridge was another matter. With all this food passing by, the temptation was just too great.

I began accumulating a stash of bounty behind the open hatch… first a box of frozen pork chops… then a huge bag of lobster tails and fish filets…several bags of frozen shrimp…rasher upon rasher of bacon… great big blocks of ham and Swiss cheese… No. 10 cans of clam chowder, corn, beans… another box of steaks…

When the work party broke for chow, I went to my berthing compartment and retrieved a couple of empty seabags, returned to my pile and stuffed it all in… and brought it back down to my berthing. I hadn’t quite planned this out very well, so I placed the full seabags in an empty top bunk and threw a blanket over them. Now, my treasure looked just like a sailor taking a nooner in our darkened berthing. Satisfied I had successfully covered my crime, I thought, “Good. Off to get some hot chow.”

About 20-25 minutes later, I went below to catch a catnap myself.

When I got below, I could barely make out my LPO (Leading Petty Officer); a fat, usually-drunk but jolly Navajo named QM2 Z*****a (“The Zoomer”) napping in the middle bunk, directly under my secret trove. All seemed secure.

After about 5 minutes, Zoomer mumbled out, “Anybody smell FISH?”

To my utter horror, I realized my stuff was beginning to thaw…and drip down onto Zoomer’s rack! I was just about to freak when the ship’s announcement system (1MC) burst out “Turn to…Continue ship’s work!”

Lunch-time was over.

Zoomer thankfully popped up and was gone in a few seconds (probably headed for sick-bay to ask for another bottle of “cough syrup”…).

Nonetheless, I had to think fast.

Bold action was required.

On this day I had the “duty”…which meant that I couldn’;t leave the ship unless I was on official business. What to do?

I went up to the ship’s post office and confided to a buddy… Our postal clerk (PC3) was a good friend and compatriot in many petty shipboard crimes. He said he was going to take the ship’s van on a run to the Post Office out in town soon… and I asked for a ride.

“Sure…no problem. Meet me in 5 minutes.”

With that, I loaded up the two seabags on my shoulder, walked straight up to the Quarterdeck, and asked for the keys to the van… “Postal run. Giving PC3 a hand with the mail.”

I was afraid the Officer-Of-The-Deck would become curious about a load of off-going mail that would rival the entire Christmas season, but no…

Still, trying not to show panic…a trickle of ice-cold water from one of the seabags was now was running down the back of my neck … I took the van keys from the Officer-Of-The-Deck and fled down the gangway, trailing the faint odor of lobster tails…

PC3 arrived at the van, and drove me to my little place…leaving me there while he went to the Post Office on his legitimate business. I was gonna stow this stuff and catch a ride back to the ship with him… and dream about the feast to be had when I got off the ship and home the next day.

Problem: The capacity of our tiny refrigerator’s freezer was hardly more than a few pints of ice cream.

Now in full panic, I stuffed as much of my loot into the itty-bitty freezer compartment as I could… but what to do? I still had a TON of it to go…

Find more freezer…and fast.

I called the house of a shipmate and spoke to his wife (one of a large group of wives who regularly partied at our house).

“Sure. We have some freezer space. Bring it on over….IF we can have some of it…”

Well, OK. No time for argument.

PC3 returned in the van…and was cool with yet another side trip. I still had at 1 and 1/2 seabags of frozen stuff… and my shipmate’s wife’s eyes bulged when she saw it…but again, time was running out.

“Do what you have to do,” I instructed, as we peeled out of her driveway and back to the ship.

“Whew! What a guy has to do to get something to eat!”

The next day, my roommate and I pulled up to retrieve my ill-gotten gains. We had decided to throw one helluva dinner party to reduce the pile… and pack our fridge with ice to preserve the rest for as long as possible.

However, our shipmate’s wife had run into storage difficulties of her own…and some stupidity.

“I unpacked EVERYTHING and wrapped it all… individually… in aluminum foil…and so only a tiny bit fit in OUR freezer. I had to ask my friend (yet ANOTHER Navy wife) to hold the rest. We can go get it, but…

You guys owe me $60 for 20 rolls of aluminum foil.”

Well, I paid her…and then she took us to her friends’ house.

Our knock on the door was answered by her friend, and we went inside…

…and there, sitting on the living room Laz-E-Boy…

…was MS1…with a huge shit-eating grin.

“Nice try, boys. Thanks for the gift.”

By the way, a few months later… PC3 walked off the ship with the keys to the van…the money order machine, and a seabag-full of blank money orders. They caught up with him in Florida about a year later.

Here Comes the Navy

By Peter T Yeschenko

Question: How many of you remember watching the 1934 movie “Here Comes the Navy”?!

“Here Comes the Navy” was a 1934 American romantic comedy film starring James Cagney, Pat O’Brien, Gloria Stuart and Frank McHugh.

The basic plot of the movie was a cocky guy (James Cagney) who joins the Navy for the wrong reason but finds romance and twice is cited for heroism.

Pat O’Brien plays a Navy Chief in the movie as shown in the picture.

There’s not a whole lot to read into “Here Comes the Navy” except that it’s very entertaining and fast moving.

SOMETHING YOU MIGHT NOT KNOW!

BUT DID YOU KNOW….that the most interesting thing about the film was not the movie itself but the historical aspect of the film.

Warner Bros. received permission from the US Navy to film aboard the USS Arizona, both at sea and in port.

YES! The USS Arizona you see in the movie is the same USS Arizona that was sunk at Pearl Harbor and is now a memorial.

In the movie you can see how beautiful the ship was and the footage of the ship sailing through the ocean, and Sailors loading its enormous guns, was something to see.

Many of the crew members served as extras in the movie.

Watching the movie….I wondered how many of those Sailors we saw in the background were aboard the USS Arizona on 7 December 1941. Back in those days it wasn’t uncommon to do your whole Navy career on one or two ships.

But not only the USS Arizona, but the airship shown in the film’s climax was the USS Macon, the Navy’s last dirigible airship.

The USS Macon also met a tragic end, crashing into the Pacific Ocean a year after filming the movie, fortunately with only minimal loss of life – two crew members out of 100.

The footage showing the operation and flight of the USS Macon was very impressive.

Again, actual crew members served as extras and because the USS Macon crashed a year later, I’m sure the Sailors we see on screen are the same ones who were involved in the USS Mason’s crash.

“Here Comes the Navy” was such a rousing success, even earning a Best Picture nomination that year, that Warner Bros., seeing gold in the Cagney/O’Brien match up, put into production the next year “Devil Dogs of the Air”.

Again securing cooperation from the Navy and the Marines.