Eat Healthily, Stay Fit, and Live Well Over 50

By Garland Davis

This is written from a Seventy plus Fat Man’s perspective. My qualifications speak for themselves. I successfully served mediocre meals to U.S. Navy sailors for thirty years and can proudly say that I never lost one to starvation. Not On My Watch!

The following lifestyle remarks are designed to assist you as you age.

Eat Healthy Fats

They say that saturated fats are bad for you. They recommend you cut down on red meat and butter and eat fat fish and nuts. Don’t believe ‘em. This is all propaganda spouted by the Left Wing/Whole Foods Complex. It is better to have a delicious Carolina Chopped Pork-Pig Barbecue sandwich on a freshly BUTTERED. Bun with taters fried in pig fat than all that wimpy crap.

I knew an old boy who ate beans cooked with Pork Pig Fatback everyday along with cornbread made with Pig Lard and slathered in butter his mama churned from unpasteurized milk and washed down with the buttermilk resulting from the churning process.

Old Jim lived a long and productive life. The Lord took him well over fifty, the day before his fifty-second birthday. He was well thought of by the community. Why. the funeral home borrowed a new forklift from the dealership to move his coffin. It was the smaller model, less than a ton. They tricked it out nicely with the black ribbon in acknowledgment of the event.  ****See Jess at the Forklift Dealership! He’ll cut a deal!****

Exercise

I’m not going to waste a lot of time on this subject. I have always felt that the acts of going to bed at night and getting up the next morning pretty much cover one’s exercise needs. But if you think you need more slip these movements into your daily routine.

Caution: I recommend a Doctor’s check-up before drastically changing your routine. Slowly incorporate the added movements. Do not shock your system by adding them all at once.

1. Pour your own coffee instead of waiting for your wife to bring it to you. Instead of jumping into this one all at once, the first few day stand until she brings the coffee instead of sitting. Slowly work toward going to the pot and getting it yourself.

2. Pick up your dirty clothes and towels from the bathroom floor and place them in the hamper. This should not be attempted without preparatory back and hamstring stretches.

3. Perform twelve-ounce curls while watching reruns of all the pretty girls playing golf on the LPGA. Prepare for this exercise by curling a lighter weight, Might I suggest the remote.

4. This one is the hardest but can make one feel more alert and awake. Cut at least five minutes off your morning and afternoon naps.

5. The addition to shortened naps, nighttime tossing, and turning can greatly enhance your exercise program. This can be accomplished by drinking a large cup of black coffee that has heated on the burner since breakfast. (This does not work with sailors. Them suckers can sleep anywhere, except when on Liberty!))

Sex. All I can say about sex is “The worst I ever had was wonderful.”

Sex can be strenuous.  Working up to a fully active sex life takes time and money. You can easily pull a muscle, especially a wallet muscle during sex. It is best for the male to lie on his back while his partner caters to his every whim.  This way both participants enhance their fitness.

And always remember: Hobbies, shopping trips, Dr’s appointments, and yard work are designed to keep us from Day Drinking