A Look At Exercise

By Garland Davis

Let’s face it: A 50- or 60-year-old body or even a 70 or 80 year old one, isn’t the same as a 20-year-old one. You won’t be able to do the same things — nor should you. – Wanna bet? Hold my beer and watch this shit!

Some fallacies about exercise:

1. You lose muscle mass as you get older, and exercise can help you rebuild it. – Wrong! I bought a treadmill, an exercycle, and a BowFlex. They have taken up space in my garage while my car sits in the drive and rusts. I am in no better shape, probably worse… well, okay really worse, than the day I moved them into the garage.

2. Muscles also burn more calories than fat. – Hah, do they realize how many calories it takes to carry this shit around?

3. Exercise can help your brain stay sharp and keep you from falling into a funk. -That would defeat the purpose of drinking!

Types of exercise:

1. Cardio or aerobic exercise gets your heart rate up and makes you breathe harder. – This can best be accomplished by watching Michelle Wie or Lexi Thompson squatting to read a green or bending with the leg raised to retrieve her ball from the cup after putting for birdie.

2. Strength or weight training keeps your muscles ready for action. – This one is simple, carry a 36-pack from your truck to the cooler at least three times per week. (May be accomplished in one day by buying three at a time. Of course, with the approval of your financial advisor…er…wife.)

3. Flexibility exercises help you stay limber so you can have a full range of movement. – This one is easy. Simply place the cooler a sufficient distance from the recliner so you have to stretch a bit to replenish your beverage.

4. Balance training becomes important after age 50, so you can prevent falls and stay active. – Another ‘No Brainer.’ Simply practice maintaining your balance during your many trips to the head.

5. Your physical therapist can suggest ways to adapt sports and exercises into your daily routine. – Don’t listen to the sadistic Son-of-a-Bitch. He was trained at the Marquis de Sade School of Physical Therapy and revels in your pain and discomfort.

6. Walking – This can be accomplished simultaneously with balance training.

7. Jogging – We’ll never know!

8. Dancing – Only if I am assured of some pussy afterward.

9. Golf – Watching the LPGA while hydrating can get the system percolating

10. Cycling – Only if it is done on a Harley!

11. Tennis – HaHaHaHaHa!

12. Swimming – Stay out of the water! Fish fuck in it!

13.Yoga – Are you shitting me?

14. Tai Chi – I’ve found that by walking into a spider web one can complete a one-hour session of Tai Chi in about five seconds!

Generally speaking, the more you exercise, the more benefit you get. And anything is better than nothing.