Simulation for Airdales
Robert “Okie Bob” Layton
Go to the dog pound and adopt the mangiest, broke eared, crippled old dog that you can find. Name the mutt Chief. Teach him to drink coffee and lay around his dog house in the backyard. Stencil CPO Mess, Knock Before Entering on the front of the dog house. The only trick to teach him is to stand and sit at attention.
Go to the nearest junkyard and buy a 1956 Oldsmobile Super 88 (The Olds will simulate an F-8 Crusader). Build an extra garage adjacent to your bedroom to house the F-8. Chew your youngest kid out for failing to chock and tie down the F-8 properly.
Have your father-in-law (Squadron Maintenance Officer) set 20 unachievable goals on Monday morning with the promise that if they are achieved there will be liberty for the whole family on Sunday. Have the whole family work 18 hour days for the entire week while your father-in-law goes golfing. Achieve all the goals. Upon his return Saturday night have him announce one of the following on a rotating basis, Due to operational commitments: (1)The duty section (1/3 of the family) will have to work Sunday, or (2) Liberty is canceled.
Spend all your waking hours working on the bird. Have the rest of your family work on the plane during the hours you are trying to sleep. At 0800 and 1800, everyday require your family members to muster with their tool boxes and inventory the contents. Make sure all tool inventories are logged as required by regulation.
Hold all sign offs on your plane until you get a successful engine turn. Spend all night looking up repair parts for your aircraft in the supply catalogs (J.C. Whitney catalog) and fill out requisitions for submission to your wife. After explaining to her why you need each part, submit the requisitions to the Aviation Storekeeper (Your middle daughter) for order. Ensure that she places the wrong delivery address on the orders. Make sure that UPS gives an erroneous delivery date for the parts. When they finally arrive, make sure the AK misplaces them for at least a week.
In the meantime, have the Plane Captain (Oldest son) and his assistant (Youngest son) perform corrosion control measures on the aircraft. Grinding and painting, not more than an eighteen square inch area at a time. As soon as they are finished, have them redo it with the new anti-radar reflecting paint.
Roust the neighbors out at least once a day to hold a FOD walk down of the neighborhood. Afterward, have them re-spot all their cars. Make sure all are chocked and chained properly. Wash and wax all the cars on your block once a week in the rain to simulate washing aircraft. Have a ten-year-old neighbor kid QA (Quality check) the work and tell you all the places you missed.
When you are ready to turn the engine on the F-8, pull the aircraft out of the hanger. Schedule this evolution for 0300 (3 am). Move a huffer (wife’s car with jumper cables) into place and position Mother in law’s car to act as a JBD (jet blast deflector). (Change 1), put the mother in law in the JBD. Hook up the huffer and fire up the plane. Idle for thirty seconds and then do a thirty-second Burner Blast (Crank it up to 7000 RPM). Make sure all involved are wearing hearing protection, an F-8 doesn’t have mufflers. Flames shoot from the tailpipe since there is no muffler, only a straight pipe and burn the JBD to a blackened tangle. Have a school crossing guard dressed in a yellow sweatshirt run over and direct your family to shut down. Have the family and neighbors perform an emergency Pull Forward. (Change 2) Push JBD over the side (into neighbor’s yard).
Get into a fight with the wife, kids the neighbors, and the yellow shirt crossing guard. Lose fight. Push plane back into the hanger. Jump on the wife and kids put them to grinding and painting as soon as they sweep down the hanger deck.
Go into the backyard. Step into Chief’s expended fuel, knock on Chief’s house and whistle. When he comes out, call him to “Attention.” As the dog sits or stands at attention kick at him, stand over him with your finger pointed into his face and yell, “Chief, get those fucking airplanes up.”
Once the car (F-8) is operational, have three highly qualified people inspect the car before driving (preflight), then have a 16-year-old girl who just got her license and knows nothing about cars inspect it again. Have her drive car as if it were a rented Corvette with full coverage insurance (flight ops). When she returns have her tell you everything her one month of vast experience tells her is wrong, using vague phrases. Have three people inspect it (Post-flight/Daily inspection) and the next morning even though the car has not moved have three people re-inspect it and repeat twice a day. Every third day replace the alternator before driving. Every 7, 14, 28 and 56 days, take one section apart and reassemble and every 128 days take entire car apart and reassemble.
At this point reward your father in-law with a promotion and a medal for superior operational readiness.