TC and Lighting Farts
Some of you probably know him, but I’ll not use his real name. I’ll just call him TC. Unwrapped is a mild description of him and some of his antics. Per the story he told, he and another idiot were caught painting profanities on the town water tower in the Louisiana Parrish where he lived. He said the judge gave him a choice of jail or the military. Ironically, he retired from the Navy after an Admiral kicked him out of the Far East.
He was a Hole Snipe, a good enough one to rise to the rank of Chief Petty Officer regardless of the situations he got himself into. I only knew him as a Chief, but I heard some of the stories told of him.
Jose was the Chief Electrician and had a weak stomach. He was prone to seasickness. TC learned that he could easily gross Jose out. Using this information, he almost starved Jose. He would sit down across from Jose at mealtimes, get a mouthful of half-chewed food and yell, “Jose, Look” at Jose while opening his mouth and letting the contents dribble out. This would result in Jose gagging as he ran for the head.
One evening TC came into the CPO Mess from the berthing. He sat down on the couch beside Jose to watch the movie. After a couple of minutes, he ripped out a fart. He said, “Damn, I think I shit my pants.”
He ran his hand down into his pants and pulled out a brown substance, showed it to Jose, and said, “It looks like shit.”
He then sniffed the substance and said, “Smells like shit.”
Then he ate it and said, “Tastes like shit. Yep, Jose. I shit my pants.”
NOTE: The brown substance was a Milk Dud that he had placed somewhere in his pants. END NOTE
Jose left, gagging, in a rush to the head. Jose would sneak around to eat when he knew TC was on watch. If TC was in the Mess for the meal, Jose would beg me to make him a sandwich and smuggle it to him from the mess line so that he could take it to his spaces. He was happy when TC was transferred.
TC was known to light farts, especially when drinking. He was well known in Olongapo for awing the girls by burning a gaseous eruption. We were in Bangkok when TC’s fart lighting backfired on him. A group of Chiefs was in a gin mill, and TC was making moves on one of the girls. She didn’t believe that farts would burn, so TC decided to put on a demonstration. His girl told all the other girls, and they gathered around to watch.
TC flics his BIC bends over a rips a huge fart. It lights like a stinky explosion and melts the ass out of his polyester pants. Since he wasn’t wearing skivvies (Everyone went commando in those days), it also singed the hair on his nuts. TC was jumping around yelling and holding his beer bottle to his nuts to cool them.
TC spent the rest of the evening walking around with his nuts hanging out through the hole in the ass of his pants. As he said, “A little hole in your pants ain’t a good reason to end a liberty.”
I have no idea what happened to TC. He retired and disappeared. I have used internet searches and questioned my many friends on Facebook and other sites to no avail. He came into the Navy under a cloud, left it the same way, and just vanished into the civilian world.