God or Chief Petty Officer

By: Garland Davis

I am told that I have a God complex. It isn’t complex. I am God.

In this form, I was born in 1944. However, I have always existed in one form or another.

Once I was a star far out in an invisible galaxy. It was hot and boring. I couldn’t sleep in all that heat.

Then for a short time I was a cockroach on a U.S. Navy Frigate. But I was crushed when a foretopman hit me with the bitter end of a line. I tried once more as a cockroach in a more modern Navy, but an HM1 with a can of liquid sprayed me into oblivion. After that I lost interest in insects.

For a time I was an aircraft carrier. But it was always turning into the wind to launch aircraft and turning into the wind to recover aircraft. All this turning made me dizzy. Then I was hit by a Kamikaze and burned. It was like being back as a sun. The heat was too much.

I tried being an alligator but ended up on some cowboys feet as a pair of boots. Part of me became a belt for his girlfriend. For a short while, I was a green chile pepper but a guy named Jerry chopped me into a bowl of chili. From that point I eventually ended up as a cloud of smelly gas. Now I am finally a human.

I was a mess cook on a Fletcher class can. There is an old adage that, “Stuff rolls downhill.” You couldn’t get no further downhill than mess cooking. Then I became a Second Class Petty Officer. Senior enough to avoid the dirty work but junior enough to lack a lot of responsibility. But that became boring.

I became an Ensign. A gold bar and all the enlisted men salute. That’s where I learned that there is a step lower than mess cook which catches a lot more “Stuff.” Looking around, I thought I found the perfect place. I would be Captain. Everyone said the Captain is God. Since I am God, this would be perfect.

I discovered that Admirals really control Captains. Captains want to be Admirals and will put up with a ton of “Stuff’ for the chance to be an Admiral. So, I decided I would be an Admiral.

That didn’t work out either. The politicians dream up so much “Stuff” to encumber the Admirals with. I briefly considered becoming a politician, but realized I had more character and dignity when I was a cockroach.

Finally my search is ended. I have found the perfect place for God. Now I am all knowing and all powerful. “Stuff” from topside rolls around me. I have the power to send “Stuff” back uphill.

I am God. I am Chief Petty Officer!