Writing a Blog
By Garland Davis
I have been at this Blog writing business for a little over two years now. I have posted over eight hundred different posts. I have received many questions about writing and the Blog. I will try to answer some of them here.
Q. How long have you been a writer?
A. I started writing at five years of age when I could restrain myself from eating the crayons… My grandmother taught me to write. I guess she taught me to read also. Of course, I don’t claim that anything I have written is comprehensible.
Q. Where do you get ideas for your daily Blog post?
A. I was usually drunk and if I could remember the idea until I got to the keyboard, I would write something. Remember the subtitle of the Blog is “Crap, True and Not, That Has Wandered Through My Mind.” I no longer drink so crap wanders slower but is easier to remember.
Before someone asks. No, I am not a recovering alcoholic. I don’t have a problem with alcohol. I have a problem with Parkinson’s Disease. PD is a neuromuscular condition that limits muscular control. With PD it is extremely easy to fall. Drinking alcohol removes all remaining difficulty when it comes to falling.
I also publish things that my shipmates graciously permit me to use. I sometimes steal things from Facebook. (NOTE: If you post it on Facebook and expect it not to be copied, then you are a Tide pod short of a start on a full meal.)
Q. Do you plagiarize?
A. No, I rearrange the words.
Q. Have you ever been arrested?
A. Are you familiar with the provisions of the Fifth Amendment to the Constitution?
Q. Do you ever get writer’s block?
A. Why do you think I am writing this bullshit now? I ain’t got nothing else.
Q. Are you paid for writing?
A. If I had to depend on income from writing, I would be homeless and starving.
Q. Do you have sex regularly?
A. When I don’t have arm cramps. This question was by some perv.
Q. Since you have that gut, how do you trim your toenails?
A. I bite them off.
Q. If you are such a good writer, why haven’t you gotten paid or won any awards?
A. I don’t claim to be a good writer. Damn, that question just triggered a bout of writer’s block.
Q. Why don’t you write more about Subic and the Filipina girls.
A. I was drunk and don’t remember most of it.
Q. Do you think drinking contributed to you contracting Parkinson’s Disease?
A. Now That’s a silly question.
–Writing a daily Blog is like being married to a nymphomaniac. It’s fun for the first two weeks.
–My daily prayer: Lord grant me today’s idea and forgive me for yesterdays.
–I have been called to task for making comments and ridiculing the Navy’s policies on Gays and making tasteless jokes about gays. Such as, “Did you hear about the two gays who were arrested in Honolulu for molesting women? One would restrain her while the other styled her hair.” (NOTE: For some reason, I don’t have the same aversion to Lesbians.)
–I have come to realize that there is no subject I won’t attempt to write about except my wife, (She scares me.). I have written about my dogs, pussy, San Miguel, my hillbilly forebears, my illegitimate birth, pussy, San Miguel, the hair growing out of my ears, pussy, San Miguel, and the hair refusing to grow on my head. And oh yeah, pussy, I have written about pussy and BJ’s, let’s not forget BJ’s.
–Now, I want you all to recommend my blog to your friends, enemies too. If I can get enough readers, maybe someone will be foolish enough to pay me for this bullshit. (Note: I have been contacted several times about putting ads on the blog. It will not happen! I hate trying to read something interesting, (if you do a Google search hopefully you can find something more interesting than this bullshit) and fucking ads pop up all over the place.
–I must warn you about clicking on those ads, although they can be informative. I never knew there were so many beautiful Russian and Oriental girls pining to meet me. BTW; My wife said no!