BT2, “Hemi on the Left Bank”

by Garland Davis

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HM1 took a canned Pepsi from the medication refrigerator in Sick Bay, killed the lights, and locked the door before heading to the Mess Decks to get a seat for the movie before the watch changed and the place filled with Snipes coming off watch.

He was early enough to get the seat he wanted.  Shortly afterward, the word was passed for Eight O’clock Reports which meant the snipes and their raucous bullshit would be arriving soon.  He had done most of his service with the Marine Corps.  This was his first shipboard assignment and his first contact with Snipes.  He was about half convinced that they were mentally flawed.

He saw BT2, one of the craziest of the bunch, come through the hatch. He looked around spied the Corpsman and came directly toward him.

“Got a minute, Doc?” He asked.

“What can I do for you?  You are wearing your earplugs in the Engineroom aren’t you?” Doc replied.

“Fireroom, Doc, Fireroom.  Yeah, no problem.  These new earplugs you got us are better than the old ones. Doc, I got a Hemi on the Left Bank that is acting up.  Been keeping me awake. Can you do something for me tonight so I’se can get some sleep? I got thenext four to eight ”  The BT said.

“Hemi?  What’s that?” Doc asked with a puzzled expression, thinking he was being pranked again.

“Hemorrhoid Doc. I got this big ass hemi and it itches and hurts. when I fart or shit”

“Well, I’ll have to examine you first.” HM1 said, visions of losing his seat for the movie.

BT2 starts undoing his belt in preparation for dropping his pants.

“Not here, in sickbay!”

“I didn’t figure it would make any difference; all these guys have seen an asshole before.” BT2 grabbed a Fireman and said, “Sit here and save Doc’s seat for the movie while he takes me up to Sick Bay and checks out my asshole.”

“Doc, you do know its that movie where Charlton Heston is a Hole Snipe in a Roman Light Cruiser, the CHENG is on the bridge sucking ass with the O;d Man and the MPA is beating on a drum while the Chief whips the Snipes.  All, this while Marcus Aurelius is back in Rome fucking his girl.” BT2 said as he followed Doc to Sick Bay.

HM1 opened Sick Bay and reluctantly performed the examination.  He referred to his Merck Manual, compared the photos to BT2’s condition and decided that suppositories should be a sufficient treatment.  He removed a package from the Medication Locker and instructed BT2 to use after voiding his bowels and showering and going to sleep.

“What, I gotta take a shit first.? I already did that today.” BT2 complained.

“Nevermind, , just use the suppository after taking a shower.” Doc said.

He locked up Sick Bay and went to reclaim his seat for the movie while BT2 headed off to his berthing compartment.


The next morning HM1 was finishing breakfast as the Snipes from the morning watch were coming in for breakfast.  As they took places in the mess line, Doc walked over to the BT2 and asked, “How are you this morning?  Is there any improvement?”

BT2 replied, “You know, that was the hardest Gawdamned pill I ever swallowed in my life.  Fer all the good it did, I might as well have shoved it up my ass.”

Doc walked away shaking his head. “Fucking Snipes.”