The Modern Toilet

The Modern Toilet

By: Garland Davis

I recently replaced the toilets in my house with state-of-the-art Japanese TOTO toilets. These toilets combine the features of the standard crapper with the refinements of the French Bidet. The French have long viewed smearing shit all over your ass with toilet paper to be barbarous. They move themselves to the Bidet where a gentle stream of water sprays your nether regions leaving them squeaky clean. Well the Japanese TOTO Bidet seat combines the attributes of the Bidet with the toilet seat. For the first time user, I have learned, this can be daunting. So I have created this set of instructions for taking a shit in my house. Females should follow them for taking a whiz.

  1. When entering the water closet, tighten your sphincter. The toilet seat senses your presence and the cover “snaps” to attention. It is rather disconcerting and may cause you to mess your drawers if you are not prepared. For men: If you want to whiz, push the indicator on the top of the remote and the seat will also raise. After whizzing and flushing push the indicator again and the seat will return to the down position.
  2. The seat is heated. The seat temperatures can be preset and range from cool to the level of Kilauea Lava. This can be a shock if you are not prepared for it. Pay no attention to the fan noises and running water noises. The unit blows the air in the toilet bowl through an “odor filter” eliminating the embarrassing stink of a righteous dump. This takes the fun out of leaving the door open and permitting the aroma to waft through the house thereby grossing your wife out.
  3. After completing your business, push the “back” indicator and an arm will extend and start pumping warm water onto your rear. I assume the indicator “front” is for use by the ladies. I am not taking any chances. It will remain a mystery to me. Controls on the right of the remote permit you to position the flow so it is hitting right on the old grommet. Controls on the left of the remote permit you to control the intensity of the spray. The settings are not labeled but they graduate upward from gentle to 1 ½ inch firehose intensities.
  4. Once you are sure that the old turd cutter is clean, push the “stop” indicator. After the water stops and the noises have told you that the wash arm has retracted, push the “blower” indicator and warm air will engulf your nether regions. The air temperature can be preset. The settings are not labeled but range from pleasantly warm to Kingsford charcoal hot.
  5. Once you are finished, just flush and walk away. The unit will spend the next ninety seconds cleaning itself. The cover will close automatically, ready to scare the shit out of the next unsuspecting son of a bitch to walk through the door.



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A native of North Carolina, Garland Davis has lived in Hawaii since 1987. He always had a penchant for writing but did not seriously pursue it until recently. He is a graduate of Hawaii Pacific University, where he majored in Business Management. Garland is a thirty-year Navy retiree and service-connected Disabled Veteran.