Electrical Technology and Me
By Garland Davis
I was reading an article in an online publication yesterday that contends our dogs use facial expressions to communicate with us. After observing my dogs over the past few weeks, especially since my mishaps with electrical devices and the citronella collars, (You can find that story Here) I believe the authors are onto something. When I walk into a room where a dog is, I get that glance out of the side of its eyes that asks the question, “What is this crazy son-of-a-bitch going to do now?”
I’ll tell you the story. My wife went to her friend’s house for lunch. She came back telling me about the light switches the friend’s husband had installed. Instead of the normal up-down on-off switches, he had installed a rocker type switch. My wife asked me to call the electrician and get him to replace all our switches.
I told her that I could do it myself, nothing to it. She got that “Oh Shit” look on her face and said, “Okay, if you think so.”
I counted the switches in the house noting that some are two-way. (See I am not a total electrical idiot) and went off to Lowes for the parts. After returning home and getting ready to do the work, I went back to Lowes for faceplates for the new switches. I decided to start in the living room. I secured the breaker and used my voltage thingy to see if the circuit was energized. (Electricians say “Hot.” I now understand why.)
I changed the first two switches with no problem and reenergized the system to test them. Worked great! De-energized the system again. I was thinking, “This electrical shit ain’t that hard.” The third switch was one that was added when we had the electrician install a ceiling fan. Now, I don’t know where he connected for the power, but it wasn’t the same circuit I had secured.
I pulled the switch out and started to unscrew the hot wire when…I landed flat on my ass half way across the room. That splattered the turd I dropped while I was in the air all over my bottom. I lay there trying to piss boiling water while having an orgasm. My wife was laughing her ass off while the dogs were lying on the couch, probably laughing too. One looked at the other with an expression that said, “See, I told you.”
It is now two days later. The electrician just finished installing all the switches and I have finally stopped jumping when someone turns a light on or off. The twitch in my eye is a Godsend and a problem. I don’t have to watch Ducktales any longer. Every time my eye twitches the TV channel changes. Now every time I become interested in a program, my eye twitches and the fucking channel changes. Right now, the TV is stuck on the Housewives of New Jersey and I can’t get the eyes to twitch. I’m still afraid to touch that remote.
I have a 2003 Ford Escape that I was intending to trade or sell. Now I am stuck with it. I farted in the vehicle the other day and it reset the electronic odometer to zero. Now if I try to sell it they will bust me for fraudulently resetting the odometer. My wife won’t let me anywhere near her car. When I walk my dog down the street, the lights on all the Toyotas come on and the emergency blinkers on all the Nissans start.
I can crack my knuckles and set off my neighbor’s car alarm. Let’s see how much sleep that asshole gets tonight. Might as well. I can’t get any sleep. The lights turn on and stay on in whatever room I am in. Convenient except when you want to sleep.
I am having trouble writing this on the computer. Every time I type a word that begins with the letters P-O-R, the damn thing takes me to a site called pornhub.com and I get distracted. While I was distracted earlier this morning, I think I saw Victoria’s Secret.
I’ll write more about my adventures with electricity later.