Space Cadet Kort (continued…)

By Garland

Space Cadet Kort Willaby was at the Johnston’ Toilet Company, commonly referred to as Johnston Shitters, in St Paul, Minnesota where the space toilet was being developed. He was there to learn the operation and proper cleaning of whatever they produced.

The director of the project was a particular dude who wouldn’t stand for profanity. Instead of “shit” or piss,” “feces,” “urine” or “human waste” were to be used when referring to the products they were attempting to develop a spaceborne disposal for. Kort started using the Klingon word HoH meaning slime, shit, waste when referring to the crap they were working with and it was soon picked up by the entire development team. It wasn’t but a short time before, “be back in a minute, I have to take a HoH” was commonly heard.

One of the first problems they encountered was where to get test material. The director suggested each member of the team collect their own Hoh and bring it to work each day. He even ordered a bunch of Tupperware containers for everyone to use. Often heard was, “How the hell am I supposed to HoH in this little container?” It was a smelly proposition that none of them were enthusiastic about.

Cort remembered having read that Toto Toilets of Japan, known in some circles as Unko Central, used Tofu to test their toilets. Tofu could be acquired in different consistencies from soft to very firm. It pretty much mimicked HoH. (As a matter of fact, some people when served Tofu said, “I ain’t eating this shit!”)

To the Director’s surprise, Tofu worked extremely well and precluded his team members smuggling Tupperware containers of HoH through the tight security around their highly classified project. The Director was so pleased that he sent a glowing letter to Space Command highly praising Kort’s knowledge and enthusiasm for the project.

This letter resulted in a meritorious promotion for Kort to the grade of E-5. (There was controversy among the initial group chosen for the Space Corps. One faction wanted to call their vessels Spacecraft and use the Air Force Officer and Enlisted titles and designations. The other faction wanted to use the term Spaceship and use Navy titles and designators. Until this is settled they will just use pay grade designations.)

Nevertheless, Kort was advanced. More than one Space Corps’ officer was heard to say, “That boy Kort, out there in St. Paul sure knows his shit.”

The civilian management at Johnston Shitt—er—a- the Johnston Toilet Company, not understanding military pay grades gave Kort a corner office, an assistant, and two secretaries.

Kort using the newfound power of his position at Johnston S–Toilets drafted a request to Space Command to have Cadet Suzie transferred to St Paul to assist him.

Cadet Suzie was elated. She had realized the only reason she was chosen for the Space Corps was that she had once been a Barista at Starbucks. She had spent her entire time at Space Corps operating the espresso machine in the Cafe or Coffee Mess, depending upon whether the person was Air Force or Navy inclined.

Kort, as an E-5, began to look much more appealing to Space Cadet Suzie.