Covid19 and the Asia Sailor
By Garland Davis
Over the last few days, I have seen a myriad of doctors and politicians on TV and read numerous articles telling us of the precautions we must take to prevent catching the common cold. Of course, they also work for Corona Virus (Covid19) which is, you guessed it, another iteration of the common cold.
I have put together a sensible list of precautions to take to prevent a cold and, of course, Covid19. I guess they are also effective for the first 18 Covids.
1. Avoid contact with others as much as possible. I try to limit it to my wife when she delivers my sammiches to my den and picks up the empties. Lock yourself in the head while wife cleans your den. Recommend that you take a good book. It may take some time for her to cool down,
2. Avoid crowds unless it is absolutely necessary like, you know, when your beer supplies or stock of toilet paper get low.
3. Ensure your wife wears a facemask and medical grade gloves when she is preparing your sammiches. Caution: This may cause some slight grumpiness on her part.
4. If you are not as prepared as me, move a reefer into your den. Make sure everyone knows it is for chilling your beer and should not be contaminated by storing foodstuffs. Caution: If your wife is Japanese you will find Natto, pickles, and pots full of leftovers when you wake up from your naps. The only advice I can give is, “Learn to live with it.”
5. If your home has more than one head, designate one of them for your personal use. If your home only has one head, I recommend contracting for a Port-a-Potty in the yard for the wife and kids to use. If you live in the country just tell them to shit in the woods.
6. Alcohol based hand sanitizers. Don’t believe the marketing hype that sanitizers must be 60% alcohol. Everyone knows that alcohol kills disease thingies (aren’t you impressed by the medical jargon I use) that make you ill. Hangovers are the result of your body attempting to rid itself of thingy corpses. So, drink copious amounts of alcohol based drinks. A good, or whatever you can afford, 100 proof whisky, whiskey (there that should placate all you frustrated spelling bee champions) chased by a 4.5% alcohol beer will keep the disease thingies under control. This method has been tested and perfected by “Mac” McAllister and your esteemed author over many nights of long distance experimentation.
I recommend that you do as I have and designate your den the Moderation Room. That way you won’t be lying when you assure your doctor that you, “Drink in Moderation.”
Don’t believe those on Facebook who tell you that hand sanitizer can be made from vodka. That is just a waste of vodka. The only way it can sanitize your hands is if you clumsily spill it on them.
If you take these few precautions, you may still catch Covid19, but it won’t be your fault and you won’t give a fuck.
Then again don’t do any of this shit. Just live your life as you always have. As a shipmate so succinctly put it, “Don’t stop living to stay alive.”