By Garland Davis
In my ongoing attempt to homeschool my shipmates on Facebook, you know impart some knowledge to the uneducated Mother Fuckers, I daily post a simple (simple is all they understand) question on my FB timeline and like a monkey trying to fuck a football, they manage to screw it up.
Example: Two days ago I posted the following:
If any of my Shipmates have to Google this one, I will kick their asses next year in Branson:
There is a total of 20 time zones in the world.
An innocuous statement followed by a simple question with a choice of answers. If they REALLY did not know all they had to do was go to Google to discover that the answer is NO! But no, the Flat Earthers had to go explaining that there is only one time zone, and all local times don’t count. I considered that their minds were addled by years of listening to DIT DAHS and PINGS. But if one believes in one time zone then, by default, they must be Lifetime Members of the Flat Earth Society.
If there is only one time zone, how do the local bars and clubs know when to open?
Then, they got me suspended from Facebook. A couple of them doubled down on their Flat Earth nonsense about there being only one time zone and one overachiever pulled the number 37 out of his ass. I replied to them in my self-deprecating and humorous way that I would, “run your ass over with my four wheeled walker in Branson next year.”
That was when a humorless, genderless thing named Neanderthalic Troglodyte, a Facebook Fact Checker, checked the list it had written on its basement wall with the contents of its diaper and discovered that I had violated one of its core tenets and banned me for 24 hours.
Chicken feed shit! I have been banned by the best, BM1(Ret), manager of the Windjammer Petty Officer’s Club at Fleet Activities Yokosuka, Japan. And much like the asshole Troglodyte at Facebook, BM1(Ret) did not appreciate my highly refined sense of humor either,
I remember one particular Sunday morning; my shipmates and I were on the way to religious services when we stopped at said club for refreshments. We over-refreshed and missed services. One enterprising First Class Stewburner decided to conduct a Southern Baptist Revival service. Things were going well, an RD2 had come forward during the alter call and was on his knees praying for forgiveness when BM1(Ret) came in and said, “Knock it off Davis, this is not the time and place for this.”
He became terribly upset when I told him, “Any time you can bring a soul to Christ is the right time and place.”
That was one of the four times he banished me from the club for life.
Another lifetime ban was the evening I brought a Streetwalker into the Asshole Locker to measure and adjudicate a dispute between two drunk sailors who were arguing about which one had the shortest dick.
So, fuck you Facebook, I have been banned by better (though barely) than you.
And, if you think I am going to post this on Facebook, you are out of your rabbit-assed mind.