Nuke Boats and Smokeboats
by Bob ‘Dex’ Armstrong
Someday I’m gonna go into a bar and some nuke sailor is going to buy me a beer and prove that nukes are actually human beings and I am going to have to knock off this bull shit. They never did… And that possibility gets more remote with every passing day. So I will continue to tie cans to their tails and paint their fannies with turpentine… That is what smokeboat sailors do.
There is nothing prettier than a fleet snorkel boat slicing through saltwater. Anyone who fails to recognize the sheer beauty of that has a malfunctioning eyeball-to-brain interconnect.
In a flat sea, a fleet bow cuts through the water like a barber’s razor… Neat and surgically clean… Leaving a narrow wake. Ships are supposed to do that. It was ordained by God and damn near every naval architect since Noah started collecting lumber to build his ark.
Somewhere some ingenious bastard added diesel smoke to make the picture appealing to one’s nose as well as one’s eyes. It is very difficult to improve on absolute perfection, but the clown who added the aroma of Fairbanks smoke did it… Kinda makes you wonder what the Mona Lisa would look like if someone turned her loose with the Avon lady.
Fleetboats were a work of sublime beauty. Any man who rode one still gets a lump in his throat when he catches sight of one in a late night T.V. movie… You see one of the old girls and turn on a little Victory at Sea music in your head and wade knee-deep in wonderful memories.
Nuke boats, on the other hand, are some of the ugliest stuff ever created in the mind of man. One of the reasons that ‘Hyman The Horrible’ built the damn things to stay under water all the time is that the sonuvabitches are seagoing eyesores. They are fat, black and ugly. They push a bow wave the size of Chicago and leave a Grand Canyon wake.
If you put a toaster on a hippo’s back and dragged him through the water by his gahdam tail you would have a nuke boat.
Sometimes progress sucks.