By Garland Davis
From: Chief of Naval Operations
To: All Naval personnel
Subj: General Orders
In keeping with rapidly changing social mores the following actions are to be taken afloat immediately.
a. The Department is proud to announce the names for the new class of Destroyer. No longer will ships be named after famous battles, heroes, or prominent politicians. Many older ships will be renamed, and new ships will be named for prominent events, heroes and politicians who have furthered racial equality and LGBQT (and any other initials they add) relations in the country.
b. All older ships and all new construction will comply with the latest employment, equality, health, safety and human rights issues.
c. The Navy Department expects any present and future enemy to comply with the same high standards of behavior.
d. All area of ships, i.e. lookout positions or engine room lower levels will adhere to the Americans With Disabilities Act by providing adequate wheelchair access ramps and elevators.
e. Adequate time out areas and safe spaces will be provided for delicate crewmembers to unwind.
f. Stress counselors and attorneys will be permanently assigned as well as members from the National Labor Relations Board.
g. Crews will be comprised of fifty percent each of men and women and will contain the correct balance of race, gender, sexual preferences and disabilities.
h. Crewmembers will work a maximum of 40 hours per week as per NLRB guidelines on working hours with at least a two entire day weekend. This will apply even in wartime.
i. At least six weeks Paternity Leave will be granted to both parents when requested.
j. Each ship will be equipped with a maternity ward and a nursery.
k. In addition to other leisure time activities, a Gay Disco will be provided.
l. Tobacco is banned on all Navy vessels and activities. Recreational cannabis is permitted in all wardrooms, messes and lounges.
m. The Navy is eager to shed the image of the “Drunken Sailor.” Starbucks coffees and sparkling water are recommended for leisure time quaffing.
n. Actions are being taken by the Legislative Branch to amend the Uniform Code of Military Justice prohibitions against Sodomy.
o. Saluting of officers is now considered elitist and has been replaced with a limp wristed wave and a “Hi, Guy” salutation.
p. All information on bulletin boards will be presented in the Languages of all United Nations members and Braille.
q. No longer will crewmembers be required to request permission to grow facial hair. This applies equally to female crewmembers.
r. The Jack will be replaced by a replica of the Rainbow flag.
s. Instead of saluting the colors upon boarding or leaving the ship members may kneel as a form of protest.
t. Instead of “Anchors Aweigh,” the Village People’s “In the Navy” will be played at all official functions.
u. The President has said, “Our Navy and ships reflect the latest in modern thinking and will always strive to comply with any new suggestions and guidelines from San Francisco.